Cheerio, old chaps...

We're about to take off for a week in London, so I bid you a fond farewell until 2005!

Happy Holidays!

I wish all of you the happiest of holidays, and I hope you all get what you want.

For some of you Republicans, I'm guessing "new outlets for my fake outrage" is high on Santa's list, so here you go!

Season's Greetings!

But the important question is, are they still great power?

I know it's hard to believe, but a civil rights watchdog group has declared Russia to no longer be a "free" country. OK, it's not a free country anymore, but did they take into account Russia's enormous size superiority?

Screw Texas, anyway...

I know, I know, innocent until proven blah blah blahcakes...

...but I can't believe he's still allowed to do this.

Goddammit, Democrats, stop doing this!

At a recent conference FrankenKerry's campaign manager admits there were mistakes. But she places the blame on her campaign team, instead of saying "I admit that I should have realized that Bush and his scumbag campaign would have kicked puppies to win this thing and that a big chunk of the American electorate might vote as if they were on a lead paint chip diet".

Notice that Mehlman still insists the draft stuff isn't true. 'Cause Repubs have no problem treating the American public like idiots.

Still bitter about Kerry's loss? You betcha. Because I'm pretty sure if Kerry went after our terrorist-lovin' nimrod prez with the same gusto he went after Dean he would have won.

Christ, we're in more trouble than I thought...

I got a mailer from the Army Reserve yesterday, wondering if I'd be interested in becoming an Army of One. I've been promised big bux for college ("Make More Than Spare Change in your Spare Time", I'm guessing the "...and We're Sending You to Iraq" part got left off by the publishers), an additional stipend, "generous textbook allowance", and I get the opportunity to enter the Army as an officer.

Yeah, all of that's persuasive, but I was almost sold thanks to the free T-shirt.

For those of you just tuning in, I'm 33, got my doctorate not too long ago, and slightly more manly than Gene Wilder's character in The Producers.

They've got balls.

Whoa, does Rush kiss his Oxycontin connection w/that mouth?

Atrios has pointed out that Rush used the "d-word" in a broadcast, so to the FCC, everybody!

Oh, if only John Ashcroft were here...

..to save us once again from the horror that is marauding statue titties.

Well, if one could die from poor prose, my ten-strong audience would've kicked it by now...

I'm still in the recovering process from correcting my student papers, and although I'm a relatively inexperienced adjunct, I matched the tenured profs this past week when it comes to complaining about how the kids get worse every semester. No more, though, new rules for next semester. First drafts are now mandatory, and I'm going to make sure the students know the extra five pages they'll need to write are the fault of their peers.

Secondly, exclusively online sources are forbidden. Maybe I only just noticed it, but it seems a lot of students got into trouble this way. The most hilarious example came from a student who Googled Gogol(heh) and used a paper written by a high school student as the primary source. Some students also got around my "don't use my lecture notes" request by using online lecture notes from other Russian lit. professors. Now, they have to crack a book, which will probably result in a lot of footnotes ending with "p. 2".

I've no doubt these new steps will stem the tide of bad writing as effectively as the parasol Wile E. Coyote uses to protect himself against falling boulders.

I've just spent the last fourteen hours correcting student papers, and if I can get something off my chest...

"AFFECT" is a verb, "EFFECT" is a noun. College students don't know this? Jesus fucking Christ...

We'll save the apostrophe rant for another time, suffice it to say I saw them in so many different word positions I could have been reading Klingon...

And it surprises no one...

Tommy Thompson, a man who served in Bush's cabinet, mind you, which means that if he's ever going to lie it will be in the service of the prez, warned the country about the dangers of a terrorist attack on our nation's food supply.

Dubya, of course, ain't worried.

And why should he be? He'll know what's up when his personal taster drops dead...

I'm a TARbitch, he's a TARbitch, wouldn't you like to be a TARbitch too?

TAR, of course, is The Amazing Race, which has gone from merely being the best reality show on TV to perhaps being the best form of entertainment ever devised by human beings. What's not to love? The exotic locales, the incredibly hot host (um, so I've heard), and the thrill of watching loved ones rip into each other with fury after being pressed into unbelievably stressful situations.

Yep, no one goes through the race without a blow-up or two (or in the case of Flo, about six million), but we forgive, and forget, because I'd hate to think of how I'd react to one of my temper tantrums becoming, say, a hot pop-culture item for sale.

While every reality show has its share of douchebags, assholes, and clueless wonders, the non-Flo "villians" of TAR have largely been redeemed and enjoy a cult following. Wanna survive a Race and still show your face to the American public? Two rules:

1. It's perfectly fine to snap and blow your top, but do try your absolute best not to treat your partner like shit.
2. Don't blame the editors.

I'll see y'all in the audition for AR7 (right, sis?) ;)

So THIS is what 1997 looks like...

We just (finally) ditched our dial-up in favor of a DSL connection. I love DSL. It's swell. If you don't like it, go to hell. And you smell.

Anything interesting happen while I was out?

We came back home Saturday, both of us sick as dogs. Actually, Monty was rather spry compared to us, and although we both saw and enjoyed Mamma Mia on Broadway earlier in the week, I'm guessing this ain't ABBA fever. Blech.

Hmm. Apparently if election results look like bullshit, you can just have another election. I wonder why we couldn't do it while the Ukraine could...

I'll have turkey with all the trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrimmings...

Not that I've been very mouthy this past week, but we'll be taking off tomorrow to New Jersey to spend some time with the extended fam. I wish all of you a very happy and safe holiday week.

Unless you voted for Bush. Then you can fuck off, terrorist-lover...

Awwww, who's a cute li'l superpower?

I always find it adorable when Russia tries to rattle its rusty sabre. I'm sure our evangelical government is all gooey with excitement at the thought of a potential nuclear holocaust. Don't count on the Russian government to provide us with a competent enemy, though...

"And once again proving we still great power, we unveil new nuclear...oh, мать твою, Ukrainians steal weapon. Чёрт возьми..."

Haloscan, worth every penny...

I see the comments are in a state of fuckedtitude, and not just me. But why bother posting about it, since no one will be able to comment (visibly) about how much that sucks? It reminds me of that Fawlty Towers where Basil is trying to tell a customer to turn on her hearing aid, but she doesn't hear him, so he writes her a note, but she says she can't read it without her glasses, which are on her head, so Basil tries to tell her they're on her head, but she doesn't hear him, so he begins to write her another note, only to stop once he realizes she won't be able to see it, and then goes bananas.

A lot of Fawlty Towers stories end that way...

Are you actually not wasting your time looking at stupid shit on the Internet and hating yourself for it? Well, I've got the cure!

This site gives you reviews for games made for every system since the Atari 2600; if you can find yourself not muttering to the computer about the idiocy of the Megamania review you're a better person than I am...

Easy, stomach...

To Jerry Falwell and the rest of you so-called "pro-family" fundamentalists, this product is the natural result of your beliefs, and one of the best arguments against your ideas becoming national policy.

I warn you, if you look at this, don't blame me if you have the urge to immediately run out, get drunk, and buy the sleaziest porn you can find.

This is not for the faint-hearted.

Oh Jesus fucking Christ...

Get out your Rubik's Cubes and Ataris, kiddies, 'cause everyone favorite anti-fun douchebag is back with a new organization described as "pro-life" and "pro-family".

Strangely enough, though, he seems to be supporting the Republican Party, which as we all know is populated with closeted homosexuals (nothing wrong w/that), perverts(nothing wrong w/that), and guys who pay off girls to have abortions.(um...)

Oh well. Anyhoo, there's a cruise you can take, although being stuck on a cruise ship with a bunch of evangelicals is perhaps the only thing in the world that sounds less fun than being stuck on a cruise ship...

If this goes through, I nominate Joe Lieberman as his official footstool...

I doubt the Dems will actually make Dean the DNC chair; it would require cojones I doubt enough of 'em have. The only way it truly makes sense is if it is (as some Kos readers suggest) a cunning plan to keep Dean out of the 2008 presidential race. I also wonder how the Vermont senate race in 2006 is going to shape up, perhaps ol' Howie is biding his time.

Still, he should be able to write his own ticket in the Democratic party; they owe him a hell of a lot, and one certainly can't argue he hasn't been a good soldier. I certainly wish the Dems went after Bush with the same gusto...

Still, for now my time, energy, and money will be going to the Dem party only via Dean.

OK, Lucas, I swear to you, you fuck this up and I'll...make some sort of empty threat...

My sister and I just caught The Incredibles (which I liked, though it's no Finding Nemo) and also got to see the Episode III trailer. Well, of COURSE I geeked out, what else could I do? The birth of Darth Vader...

Fine, George, I'll give you nine more bucks. Maybe then you'll have enough to take that directing class...

Oh no! Who's going to protect us from marauding statue titties?

Proshai, asshole. I hope you fall down the stairs on your way out...

Press 1 for famine, 2 for pestilence, 3 for Condoleeza, and 4 for death...

OK, I'm not going to go on about the either theft or idiocy that went on last Tuesday. Apparently half the country loves incompetence and terrorism, and I'm just going to have to deal. And so, new topic...

Thanks to my local music store's liberal listen-before-you-buy policy, I can let you know about the latest Robyn Hitchcock CD. Hitchcock fans will probably agree with my assessment that when Robyn is good, he's very, very good, but when he is bad, he sucks. Lesser Hitchcock can be positively painful, and only his best works avoid the "every album has at least one goofy-ass clunker" rule. Spooked is better Hitchcock once you get past "Television", and some of his stuff, like "We're Going to Live In The Trees" and the hilarious "Welcome to Earth" (from which the above quote is taken), is his best stuff in years. Since I'm a cheap-ass bastard, you should interpret as a glowing review the fact that I almost bought this album after listening to it.

But I bought another Sigur Ros album instead. No, wait, it's good, come back...

UPDATE:I was presented with Spooked thanks to the kindness of a dear friend of ours (and frequent reader of this blog, hee), and screw everything I said above, it's arguably the best thing Robyn's ever done.

I'm STILL not concedin' shit.

Or should that be, "I STILL ain't concedin' shit"? It would have been nice if Mr. Electability raised a bigger stink (what the fuck are they afraid of? Ann Coulter calling him a loser? A divided country?) but maybe the possibly-computer-manipulated votes weren't there for him.

Well, thanks, redneck idiots. Our country is now safe from the dangerous threat of marryin' homos. To quote the great American philosopher Kurt Angle, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?" Fuck you, red states, geography offers you some protection from potential terrorist attacks, but I have loved ones in urban areas and on the coasts, and I can't believe you'd make president someone you wouldn't hire as your personal assistant. Get the fuck out of my country, you're fucking it up with your idiocy. In alphabetical order. Alabama voters for Bush, you first. Take fucking Greyhound to Mexico, I don't care.

And the Democratic party better unfuck itself, get Howard Dean to perform some ball transplants, and start Barack Obama on his weight training NOW.

It's going to be a long four years. At least the Daily Show will still be funny, if there's electricity in post-apocalyptic America.

I ain't concedin' shit.

What, we're all supposed to go home because fucking FOX NEWS called it for Bush? Eat me. In alphabetical order. You first, Alabama.

VA-5 report.

Shit.

Al Weed is getting ready to concede the race. I'm sorry, sir. We could have used you.

And for other election stuff, sixthdoctor has been keeping us up to date...

There's always hope...

We went down to our polling area at 6 in the morning and the line was already out the door, which is either a good sign that the liberals are coming out to vote, or a bad sign that the election officials haven't planned this well. The place looked pretty packed to me, though.

And as I came out a friend stopped us and told us that the Goode-Weed race was tightening up, and that turnout may be the key. Now it's just a matter of trying to get through the day so I can curl up under the sofa tonight...

Best of luck to you all...

The day approaches. Mrs. Nevskaya and I will be spending Tuesday at CmdrSue's, holed up with sympathetic friends watching the returns unfold.

I'm not sure if it will be due to joy or despair, but chances are I'll be drunk by that night.

We'll see if the American electorate will come to their senses and pick Kerry, or if they will show how much they love unemployment and terrorism.

Let's all go to the movies, let's all go to the movies...

This is the weekend of the annual Virginia Film Festival, one of the reasons I love Charlottesville so much. It's our eighth or ninth festival and they're always worthwhile, we've seen Sigourney Weaver (tall), Larry Flynt (short), and listened to Roger Ebert give a workshop on "The Birds" (interesting). This year the guest of honor was Sandra Bullock, but we'd have to watch "Speed" again to see her, so screw that...

Yesterday we caught Days of Heaven, Terence Malick's film about watching flies fuck, no wait, that's just what the film felt like. We also saw Birth, which may be the absolutely oddest film I've ever seen. I'm not saying don't see it, but...it's creepy. We can discuss (and spoil) the film in the comments section if you like.

Why won't Virgil Goode speak?

My daily commute usually affords me the time to listen to NPR's "Morning Edition". The local news break has been devoted to Virginia congressional candidates over the past week, and I learned that Al Weed was interviewed briefly yesterday, which I missed. Today was the day they were supposed to talk to Virgil Goode, but he refused repeated requests for an interview (their words).

Perhaps VA-5 constituents should e-mail Mr. Goode and politely ask why he's such an unbelievable pussy.

OK kids, let's leave the signs alone...

Unfortunately, the local Dem office said they were out of Kerry/Edwards signs, so I can't replace the one I had stolen (we put a Kerry sticker on our still surviving Al Weed sign). While sauntering w/the doggie, I noticed on our main thoroughfare (a couple of blocks away from my house) the shreds of two Bush/Cheney signs that were torn up and empty spaces on the lawns where they used to be placed. I can't say I was too pleased. I understand that the action sprouted from righteous anger and a desperate desire for justice, as opposed to what happened to us, which came from page 67 of Gestapo Tactics for Dummies, but these sorts of things just don't help. The last thing I want to do is give Bush supporters justifiable reasons for their laughable martyrdom:

"See how hard it is to live in a liberal town? And just this past week my luxury SUV was dented by this homeless guy I hit! Why do bad things always happen to me?"

I'm also, of course, assuming they didn't rip up their own signs, something to which we know Bush supporters have stooped.

But just in case, lay off the signs, people. We'll win because we have the truth on our side.

*sniff* God bless the Des Moines Register...

Go read their eloquent endorsement of John Kerry...

No, no, no. You throw WATER on a witch, WATER...

I don't condone actions like these against anyone, no matter how hateful and divisive Ann Coulter's rhetoric might be.

OK, I lied. I wholeheartedly condone this particular action (these WERE pies, remember); it couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

Definition: Fulcrum (sounds like the title of a Radiohead album, doesn't it?)

1. the point or support on which a lever pivots.
2. Charles 2's kickass blog...

Corrupt Virginia Republican Scumbag Daily Report

Via Atrios, I learned from this website that Virginia Republican Congresspeople have received over $70K from Tom Delay. And $5K of that went to VA-5's disgrace, Virgil Goode. Time to send polite but firm e-mails asking them to shove that dirty money back up Delay's cornhole...

Perhaps a little more polite...

Now they fucking tell us, part 572...

Great. Drinking a lot of coffee leads to heart inflammation. I'm guessing ten cups a day is considered a lot...

Man, I'm upset. I need to calm myself. Ahhhhh, a nice cup of coffee....AAGGGGGHHHHHH! MY HEART!!!

Ooh, ooh! VA-5 election news!

The next debate between challenger Al Weed (D) and nimrod Virgil Goode (Really doesn't deserve to be congressman) will take place on WVTF in Virginia tonight at 7:30. In case you're interested (and please post about it if you do hear it, because I'm not sure I will).

"Now kids, this is a loofah..." OH MY GOD GET HIM OUT OF HERE!!!

Let's all shed a tear for puffy, splotchy bully Bill O'Reilly. He's cancelling his tour to plug his kids' book because of those sexual harrassment charges.

I read the deposition on Smoking Gun, but you don't want to see it. Believe me, you don't. Frankly, it's only seriously depraved as opposed to full-blown wacko, but it's made all the worse with the mental pictures. So trust me.

Instead, say "puffy splotchy bully Bill O'Reilly" fast ten times. Lots more fun and wholesome...

Pootie-Poot's got his snoot up Dubya's patoot...

Putin and Bush do seem to have a lot in common; they're both height-challenged despots who've proven to be totally incapable and incompetent when it comes to fighting terrorism.

We can now add one more thing, they both want Bush to win to November.

Yawn.

No point in my going on, really...

My brother just started a new blog, lighthearted mental sewage, which will no doubt start taking my blog around and pimping it out to other blogs in exchange for cigarettes.

In the blog world, 6thdoctor is the star, and I am the satellite (but that's all right)*...


*Morrissey
"Roy's Keen"
Maladjusted
Mercury Records

Theories:
#1: Bush is retarded.
#2: Bush thinks we're retarded.
#3: #1 & #2 are true.

Perhaps Bush is from a different solar system, and the yellow sun provides him with the superpower of being able to shamelessly lie with a straight face:

President Bush turned is turning the tables on Sen. John Kerry, declaring "the best way to avoid the draft is to vote for me," and pledged to oppose mandatory military service.

There's already been excellent material put out in the Kos community by eagle-eyed posters who called bullshit on Bush, and my wife and I actually did a little something out of character by printing up copies of the PDF flyer (available in the Kos link above) and putting them up in our pedestrian mall area. If people insist on voting for Bush, they should at least be aware about what it will mean to our young men and women...

Wow, they ARE desperate...or at least drunk.

I was still a little foggy in the ol' noggin this morning, as I lovingly strapped the Gentle Leader on the corgi and set off on our traditional Sunday constitutional/ paper run, but I did notice the Kerry/Edwards sign seemed to be missing from the front lawn. My first thought was that I must have moved it while doing lawn work...then I realized I don't do lawn work.

Then I noticed the Kerry/Edwards sign was missing from our neighbor's house across the street.

As I walked down our avenue, which used to be liberally (lame pun intended) sprinkled with lawn signs touting Democratic candidates, it dawned on me how bare the street looked. Even the Firefighters for Kerry sign had been removed from house #201. The only Dem signs that seemed to survive was a Kerry/Edwards sign ensconced by its owners in a hedge on their front lawn, and our Al Weed sign, which was only visible coming down off the main road but hidden by our tree if one were coming the other way.

The cognitive dissonance is still a little hard to shake. Maybe we just had a strong wind that knocked down 95% of the Kerry signs (the lone Bush-Cheney sign on our street is still standing). But since there's even a woman complaining about the theft of her Kerry sign on the cover of today's Washington Post, and this isn't the first time something like this happened in our area, this seems to be the logical result of college Republicans (we live right by the University of Virginia) and beer.

The new, improved 2 + 2 = 5! Now with LiveMessage Alerts!

That's right! If you look at the little orange box underneath the archives, you can now sign up for LiveMessage Alerts!

Utilizing the latest in MessageCast technology, 2 + 2 = 5 is proud to give you, the audience, the orgasmic wonderfulness of LiveMessage Alerts!

Yessirree Bob...LiveMessage Alerts...

OK, I'm not entirely sure what LiveMessage Alerts are, but the guy who e-mailed me asking if I want to beta test this seemed very nice. I filled out the form the same way I used to solve Myst puzzles ("well, this looks like it should go here...hey, it works!")

So if anyone actually signs up for this, feel free to explain to me what it is, and don't be afraid to dumb it down.

It looks like Democrats are stomping the shit, snot, and piss out of Republicans in debates everywhere...

Anyone who lives in Charlottesville, VA will probably tell you that the Daily Progress is a partisan rag for the barely literate.

So it says a lot that in this recap of the VA-5 debate, Al Weed gets most of the good lines. Probably means they could have included twice the lines if they wanted to...

3-0...

And it wasn't even close. AGAIN.

And in the "Guess Bush's persona" contest, the answer was "petulant child", chosen by everyone except me!

I'd love it if someone put together a montage of the uncomfortable chuckling, the smirking, the hemming and hawing, and the non-answering. Poor ol' boring John Kerry, all he could do was be competent.

No need to engage Republican spinmesters, just mutter "three and oh" and walk away...

Which George W. Bush will we see tonight?

In the first debate, he was a flaky mediocrity, and in the second debate, he was a raving lunatic. Given his predilection for mood swings, his probable intake of various controlled substances, and significant handler input, your guess is as good as mine as to which persona he'll adopt tonight.

I'm going to go with: ambivalent cheese shop manager. Thoughts?

Who needs fulfillment, happiness, and a strong moral center when you have shopping?

The Sunday Washington Post pointed me to the shopping experience that is Woot. They sell one thing a day at an outrageously low price. Go look at it, but be prepared to put your real life on hold for a while (thank God I don't have one)...

R.I.P., Superman...

I've got a confession to make, I always kinda liked III and IV...well, parts of them.

Dangerfield, Derrida, and Reeve. They do happen in threes...

I will always remember how you confused the shit out of me...

Jacques Derrida passed away...or DID he?

Man, what an asshole...

These thoughts come to you courtesy of Boboli-pizza-induced insomnia...

* If Howard Dean acted exactly the same way Prez Nimrod did during that debate, with the yelling and flailing and the near bumrushing of Charlie Gibson, do you think his performance would have been called passionate?

* Bush mentioned Dean, Cheney mentioned Dean. Stop it. In the novel Martin Eden, some upper-class yobbo derides Herbert Spencer and the protagonist responds, "Hearing that name pass your lips is like finding a dewdrop in a cesspool." It applies here too.

* Kerry was able to disagree with the woman who asked the pro-life question while maintaining respect for the woman's position. Bush answered the anti-Patriot Act question like a five-year-old with his hand caught in the cookie jar...

* Kerry was stuck for a loooooooooong time on that stem cell question...

People actually feel SAFE with this guy in charge?

The general early consensus seems to be draw, though I thought it was another solid Kerry performance. People seem to be giving Bush points for doing better than last time, which is a little bit silly to me, but fine. Pat Buchanan on MSNBC was creaming his jeans over what he called Bush's "energy", which made me think he'd been hitting the happy sauce. For the first fifteen minutes I thought Dubya was obnoxious; yelling, hunched over, arms akimbo, what some called "energetic" and "vigoorous" I thought was just frickin' maniacal. I just keep finding it hard to believe people actually like this asshole (who, by the way, is still a loser)...

And correct me if I am wrong, but did Bush promise not to appoint any judges involved in the Dred Scott decision to the Supreme Court? Was he coked up??

Anyone want to take bets?

We're about to head out to watch the 2nd debate w/friends. What interests me is how the media are going to spin a tie. I can't believe that Bush is going to pull the shitter that was the first debate. But I predict this with glee, since I've been so amazingly inaccurate in my predictions to date I'm expecting MSNBC to hire me as a pundit any day now...

Let's take a break from talking about how Kerry's going to slap a bit and bridle on Bush and ride him around like a pony at a fair for a second 'cause I need your advice...

Should I buy the latest R.E.M. album?

I'm leaning towards no, and it's rather painful, since I've owned all the other albums in one form or the other (yep, even Chronic Town and Dead Letter Office. Eponymous, too.) I actually thought Up was one of their best, but Reveal is one of those albums that my brain tells me is good, yet I rarely listen to it. Beat a Drum is a wonderful, beautiful song, but I have to get through the borefest of All the Way to Reno, She Just Wants to Be, and Disappear before I hit the creamy center. Leaving New York is casually brilliant, but it doesn't sound that different to me, and my wife hasn't liked them since New Adventures. Now that I've name-dropped and linked half their albums, anyone want to offer their opinion?

RIP, Rodney.

You've got my respect.

Does anyone else really want to fuck John Edwards right now?

Man, that guy is charming...

I think Edwards did a good job, he did what he needed to do, introduce himself to the voters. I think he made a positive impression and more than held his own against Cheney. Cheney seemed to get extra power from that ring he borrowed from Sauron and provided Fox News with a lot of wingnut porn, but I don't see how he got a single fence-sitter to swing over to the Repub side. Now it's on to Friday. Is the over/under on Bush inappropriately smirking in the three-digit range?

Well, maybe the newly installed Smile Nanites will cause the Cheneybot to malfunction...

I'm going to watch the veep debate tonight, but I can hardly bring myself to care about this one. First of all, I find it hard to believe anyone truly gives a rat's tush about veeps; "you're no Jack Kennedy" was fun, but that didn't get Dukakis elected. Secondly, I think this'll be a wash. Cheney will be evil and attack Kerry hard, Edwards will reasonably push Cheney back and make viewers comfortable with the idea that he can be VP, and the spinners will spin furiously. Friday's going to be the big one, cause with the town hall format that could be car-crasheriffic...

So sad...

I got this from Atrios, watch it.

The sad thing is that the Repubs obviously don't believe what they're saying, or they would've nominated someone competent...

Bush is a corgi? BUSH IS A CORGI?!?

My brother was reading The Family last weekend and informed me that on page 617 someone compares Dubya to a corgi, because he's nippy and irritable...

Eat me, Kitty Kelley. Corgis are bright, happy, love hard work and are winners...


Besides, my Monty would have been a much better president than Dubya; I'm pretty sure he could have gotten UN support on Iraq sanctions WITHOUT rushing our country to war...

A public service for any art student whose weekend homework assignment is to draw a picture of a loser...just copy this! 

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present Losey McLoserton and his All-Loser Orchestra!

The more I think about Kerry's decisive victory last night, the more I like it. But what is even making wingnuts temporarily honest was Bush's horrible performance. He was clearly unprepared and flustered, and as the night went on you could see it in the body language. My favorite part of the debate (I hope they showed it on the Daily Show) was Dubya sulking off stage; when he noticed Kerry was standing in the middle of the stage he started to stick around, but Laura pulled him off while Kerry, tall and proud, was waving happily to his supporters. Spin THAT, a**hole.

I wish Kerry did a couple of extra things, though. He needed to shove that "mixed messages" crappo back up Bush's cornhole. There was no reason he couldn't say "I think it's a mixed message when you say things are going well on the campaign trail when your OWN INTERNAL DOCUMENTS say otherwise". I also would have liked Kerry to comment about all the hard work Bush is supposedly doing; if the job's too hard for Dubya, I'm sure his daddy can find him a nice easy one in a few months.

Kerry won. Deal with it.

I did watch the debates, ok, actually, I paced around my friends' house holding a baseball bat and listened to the debates while my wife and our friends sat down and watched it. Kerry won it, pure and simple. You can say he didn't knock Bush out, and you'd be right, you can say it wasn't that big a victory, and you'd be right, and with an especially articulate argument I might even be convinced it was a draw.

But if you think Bush won this one you're definitely biased, and probably a douchebag.

The bottom line is that Kerry stood up straight, gave strong answers, and appeared presidential. Bush spent a lot of his time hunched over giving stock responses, getting flustered and upset, and pounding his podium in order to compensate for his platitudes. Bush had the tougher job, to be fair, since he actually had to defend policies with which Americans may not have agreed, while Kerry just had to convince the audience he could do the job. He certainly did that tonight...

You wouldn't know it, though, if you watched CNN afterwards. I thought I was joking about Wolf Blitzer in my previous post, when apparently I was cutting him slack. Thank God we watched a little Chris Matthews or I would have thought the world had gone mad...

Should I just spare my blood pressure?

We've been invited to watch the debate w/friends, but I have a real fear the debate will go something like this...

Kerry: "...so in conclusion, my plan shows how we can stabilize Iraq, reduce deficits, and convert the corpse of Saddam Hussein into gasoline products freely available for all."
Moderator: "Rebuttal?"
Bush: "What, me? Sorry, wasn't listening to the flip-flopper. Say, this piece of earwax I just dug out looks like Kerry, don't you think?"
Wolf Blitzer: "Bush clearly won the debate, once again demonstrating his ability to communicate with the American people in this post 9/11 world..."
Me: (I'm not quite sure how the sound of my banging my head against the wall until blood spurts out of my ears while screaming should look in print, but I imagine it would be something like this.) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH *SMASH* *SMASH* *SMASH* SPURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I'll go if the snacks are good...

Life imitates art, or "pay that man his money"...

My nickname in our local poker circle is KGB. It's a cooler nickname than I deserve, and I'm named so for my Russian background and our love of the John Malkovich character in Rounders. Mr. Malkovich's scenery-chomping mad Russian Teddy KGB is the perfect foil to Matt Damon's...um...adorable blandness.

Anyway, in the climactic poker battle, Teddy KGB is foiled by Matt's straight, but the audience is let in on the fact that Matt has Teddy beat from the very beginning. What's supposed to impress us is the cool way Matt plays the hand in order to fool Teddy to bet all of his remaining chips. This is after Matt discovers that Teddy's giveaway is to lick the center out of his Oreo cookies. You'd think in an underground poker parlor, supposedly filled with the greatest players in NYC, a giveaway like that would be more readily noticed. "Gee, every time he has a flush he opens his parasol, pets his Pomeranian, and does the hokey-pokey!" But I digress...

In last night's poker tourney I found myself heads up with the exact same amount of chips as my opponent (3500). After a few hands, I was whittled down to about 3K with 100-200 blinds. In my fatal hand, I was dealt 4-8 offsuit in the big blind and stayed in when my opponent called. Flop comes down Q-K-J, check is good. Then a 4. Checked to me, I bet 500, get called. Last card is a 6. Opponent bets 500, I say all-in and I'm quickly called. Oh, he has A-9, I win...wait. A-10. He flopped the nuts and had me beat all the way, and then trapped me into betting all of my chips. And so, I'm subject to the same downfall as my namesake. The irony was almost worth settling for $20 in second place cash...

"Size of the entire universe man..."

My wife and I caught They Might Be Giants last weekend; it was the best show I've ever seen in Charlottesville (and that includes two Frank Black shows, Camper Van Beethoven, Marshall Crenshaw, and Matthew Sweet). But the real revelation that night was the opening act, Corn Mo. How to describe him? Appearance of Sam Kinison, between-song patter similar to Bobcat Goldthwait, voice like Meatloaf, but songwriter like no other, as he wailed homages to horny adolescence accompanying himself on accordion. This guy deserves to be a fucking star...

Shame on me...

I've been lax in my blogging duties; ten days without a post is simply crappy...

Although a post about how I haven't been posting isn't much better...

They're so low, they could play handball off a curb...

Republicans play to win, I'll give 'em that. Of course, they don't care if they destroy the country by voting in an incompetent fool who's totally unwilling and unable to protect us, but by golly, they play to win.

Look at this.

Go get 'im, Al!

I just received an e-mail from the Al Weed campaign informing us that the first week of television time has just been bought.

Thanks to sixthdoctor for contributing; as promised, I'm now your friend. Can I borrow your car and leave all of my old clothes in your basement?

Hey, no one said it was easy being my friend...

More about Dubya than I cared to know...

In college I read The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins, and there was a character in the book that solved every problem that vexed him by turning to a page in Robinson Crusoe, which invariably held the answer he was looking for.

Let's hope Dubya doesn't use the same method to solve his dilemmas:

New Yorker writer Brendan Gill recalls roaming the Kennebunkport compound one night while staying there looking for a book to read -- the only title he could find was "The Fart Book."

Ewww.

Score one for the corgis!

That's right, screw you, boxer. Up yours, pug. The welsh corgi is one of the 20 best breeds for families.

OK, so are the boxer and pug, but screw all the other breeds anyway.

It's about time the corgi got the recognition it deserved as a great breed for young kids to play with. As long as the corgi's innate urge to nip and jump is controlled...hmmm.

Actually, I wonder what methodology they used, and I wonder if it involved large kickback checks from the PWCAA...

No time for rest...

My wife and I had two canvassers for Al Weed come visit us today. My first thought was that perhaps this was preaching to the choir, since the street is lined with Kerry and Weed signs (we just got ours yesterday), but they stressed the importance of getting out the base, and most importantly, giving Weed cash. He's got a shot because of his appeal to the rural areas, but without TV ads he's sunk. I know the Kos Dozen has the lion's share of the attention, but Weed has been such an intelligent candidate and such a frickin' improvement over Virgil Goode (as the air is buffeted by thousands of Republicans nodding in agreement simultaneously) that it pains me to think he won't be able to break through the election gridlock of gerrymandered Congressional districts.

Al Weed is the congressman VA-5 deserves. Please click on the link above and give him a few bucks. I'll be your friend.

"I'm not arguing, HE'S being an asshole!"

You may find it hard to believe, but I do have Republican acquaintances and friends whom I generally respect. A few months ago, I even respected their political views; they were disappointed with Bush, saw the gap between Bush's performance and traditional Republican values (the bloated government, the bloated deficit, weak national security credentials and "orange alert" bullshit), and a couple actually considered voting for the Libertarian candidate (Motto: "There's creamed corn in my lederhosen! Bibble-bibble-bibble!")

But as the election approaches, most of them drank the Kool-Aid and they're becoming harder and harder to talk to. Finally, when one told me about how Kerry would put the U.S. armed forces under the control of the UN, I just said "You don't REALLY believe that bullshit, do you?" and walked away. I give up, and I respect you guys who actually still try to get through to some of these people. Galileo would frickin' say "You motherfuckers are obstinate in the face of facts, ain't ya?", and my blood pressure just can't take it anymore.

We're going to have to save these fools from themselves, and they'll kick us in the teeth for it...

UPDATE: OK, some people are still utilizing critical judgment...

(Bonus points for the subject line ref. I bet CmdrSue gets it...)

Score one for the puppies!

Who's a good boy?

More adventures w/the Next Blog button...

This isn't REALLY her, is it?

No, Laura, this is MY cocaine...

Apparently Kitty Kelley's new okay-some-of-it-is-probably-bullshit book about the Bushes claims that the First Lady might have experimented w/blow as well.

There's an easy way to nip this in the bud, guys, just have Dubya and Laura do an interview with Diane Sawyer in their living room and put a big bowl of cocaine on the coffee table. If they get through it without glancing towards the bowl or sweating, they obviously don't love snorting cocaine! They just USED to love it...

Is it safe?

Pretty much a test post to see if Blogger's unfucked itself...

But feel free to discuss the current cocaine-bloated president's incompetence in the comments section.

I want to assure all Americans that I will not rest until we have captured OsamWHOA NELLY! IS THAT COCAINE?? *SNNNNNNNORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT*

And since this link came from Drudge, we know it HAS to be true...

What's in the water in Iceland? (or, "They're not even good enough to try something like this!")

When I was a DJ in college, the CDs and albums used to have label stickers on which the more opinionated of us could leave comments about what was good, what was horrible, what tracks to play, etc. I've left my marks on those albums I considered worthwhile (and got called a dick for referring to the Charlatans UK as "Stone Roses soundalikes"), but the quote in the subject line came from someone leaving a mark on one of my favorite albums, Talk Talk's Spirit of Eden, the album where they chucked their New Romanticism completely and immediately killed their album sales (Laughing Stock was just as good)...

Although I disagreed with his sentiment, I completely understood the anger the critic felt. It's always fun to slag the obvious hacks, the Toby Keiths and Britney Spearseseseses, but we seem to reserve special bile for those we consider mediocre who attempt to release "statements". As far as I'm concerned, Tori Amos should put away that goddamn harpsichord forever, but I'd readily concede I just don't get it. Someone feel free to explain it to me...

Anyway, I've been enjoying reading the Amazon comments about the new Bjork album; personally, I think this album beats the merely pretty good Vespertine by about half a mile, but I understand the hatred, too. Thanks to my local record store's liberal "listen before you buy" policy, I also got () by Iceland's Sigur Ros, which seems to provoke the same "love or hate" responses. This album is making me its servant boy rather quickly with its gorgeous, caustic, life-affirming brilliance. I'd certainly buy an album on a one in five chance that it's the real deal, even if I get stuck with a Boys for Pele from time to time...

Heaven bless those who reach for the moon, even when they fall flat on their face. Too bad we can't all be Nigel Tufnels and clearly see that fine line between genius and stupidity...

"Finding Nemo", it wasn't...

My wife and I saw "Open Water" last night, and it was as nerve-wracking and sad as the critics have said...

Now, my wife is a certified scuba diver, I'm not. I doubt my status on that is going to change in the near future. Without giving too much away, my wife stated that the movie was pretty accurate except for the convoluted situation which causes the heroes to be stranded in the first place, which is reassuring.

Still, sometimes I wish she had a healthier hobby, like poker...

UPDATE: This article has a list of the inaccuracies in the movie (as well as spoilers), but as my wife pointed out, there's an inaccuracy in the article (it's not spoiling to say Susan removes her empty tank, unlike the claim in this article).

BUSH 2004: Vote for me or I'll drunkenly piss on your car

Since what occured with presidental candidates 30 years ago is all the rage now in the news, I offer to you this Salon article. You guys ARE worth the subscription, even though I get the goddamn US News and World Report because of you...

A hundred billion bloggers washed up on my shore...

Dammit, dammit, damn you Blogger. I'm starting to think the "Next Blog" button was developed by the Republican Party to distract people from all the lies. (It did come up about a week before the convention...COINCIDENCE?!?)

God bless all of us, we do try. I've thought about linking to some of you, but no, it's better this way, we've had our fun, goodbye stranger, sweet devotion's not for me, I'll wash up at home...

Anyone watching the Repub convention?

I admit I've only caught snippets, but listening to John McCain and Rudy trying to convince people Dubya wasn't hiding out in undisclosed locations and giving the least inspiring speech ever on 9/11 was too much to take...

Thought I might try to find video online, though, just because I heard they got that guy who was in "Last Action Hero". Wonder what he's been up to...

Hey George, is Laura going to catch Osama for you too?

For all the Hilary- (and now Teresa-) bashing the GOP employs, you'd think Georgie-poo wouldn't use his mommy or his wife to fight his battles so often.

In the interview she is asked, "Do you think these swift boat ads are unfair to John Kerry?"
"Not really," she replies. "There have been millions of terrible ads against my husband."

Notice she didn't say there were inaccurate...

OK, I'll admit you're tough, Laura, but my wife could take you...

Guess I'm kind of a man after all...

After my humiliating last-place finish in a home poker tournament two weeks back, I returned to the scene of my disgrace vowing not to finish last, and actually surprised myself with a second-place finish (out of 6). Basically, I won my ten bucks back.

When we got heads-up, though, I was outchipped about 5-1 and really never got back into it. With about 1000 chips left and 100-200 blinds, I was called with 6-3, flop came down J-4-5. My opponent checked, and I went all-in, my mistake. It would have been much better to call an all-in bet than go all-in with just a draw and nothing else. My opponent called with a pair of fives and I didn't get my straight. Liked the way I played a lot more this time...

"You can light yourself a torch on the old front porch, but don't go in the basement..."

Well, the first week in our new home, and if there were Big Brotheresque cameras (I'm talking shitty reality show, not Orwell novel) filming us 24/7, you'd probably see scenes that would invoke comparisons to either Home Improvement if Tim Allen ever broke down sobbing, or perhaps "Rabbit Hood", the Bugs Bunny cartoon in which the Sheriff of Nottingham, once realizing he had been duped into building a new house on the King's property, can do nothing more than scream "OOOOH, I HATE MYSELF!" and bash himself in the head with his hammer...

It's been fun.

This morning I've been down in the basement peeling away layers of dust and spiderwebs, while the dehumidifer has been running full blast pulling water out of the house in 40-pint bucket increments. Dare I say, the old place is starting to look good...

It doesn't mean that if that smug bastard Bob Vila ever showed himself around I would refrain from slugging him a good one...

Take a journey without ever leaving your home!

I've spent about 10 minutes clicking on that "Next Blog" button and already looked at blogs in four different languages, read one that had nothing but Bible quotes (mostly Revelations), and had the ending of The Brown Bunny spoiled. Oh, what a voyage!

OK, I'm scared.

Thanks, Charles...

"Picturing you with a hammer is like picturing George W. Bush with a copy of Gravity's Rainbow under his arm..."

That C. Franz is one funny motherfucker; this was his comment to me after I had mentioned some of the new home projects I've undertaken this past week. We moved into a quaint, old home back in Charlottesville proper after three years of townhome living in more conservative Albemarle County. It's nice to walk the pooch past lawns festooned with Kerry signs for a change...

Natch, "quaint" and "old" means "lots of home projects to undertake". Thank heavens my wonderful family (hi, guys!) all came down and lent me much needed non-spazzy hands while I dealt with the fun stuff, like killing the shit out of the poison ivy in our backyard.

Now that they've all gone, my wife's the only non-spaz in the house, but armed with the right tools and a shitload of Round-Up, I'm taking the plunge and joining the world of happy homeowners.

So, what's been happening in the election. What's the big issue? Jobs? Incompetence? What Kerry did in Vietnam, you say? Why don't you wake me in November, I'll be lying here in the poison ivy...

"Glorious gold, so-so silver, and shameful, shameful bronze..."

On the Simpsons, it's funny. Too bad that line is taken seriously by some...

I'm glad Yahoo changed its headline to read "upset" rather than "loss". I find it hard to relate to athletes who state their goal is multiple golds, since over my young life I've accumulated more participation and good sport awards than you could shake a stick at...

And the members of the U.S. basketball team are showing a helluva lot more class in their loss than reporters who insist on calling that loss "humiliating". Eat me, media. (How many times will we mutter that phrase until November?)

Matt Damon, I ain't...

And while that also means that I have the more rugged manly sexiness of a Ben Affleck rather than polished boy-next-door features, in this case I mean I can't play no-limit hold 'em for shit.

Yesterday I entered my first tourney, billed as an $10, 18-person casual affair, where I thought I might be able to sharpen my skills and build on a couple of mildly successful low-limit sessions in casinos. Well, 4 people showed up, and I was out first. I don't even have any good hands to analyze, but I'll throw in the one that knocked me out...

I had about 250 left (started w/1000) and 20-40 blinds, going up to 25-50 after the hand. By this point I was looking to go all-in with anything halfway decent since I was the short stack, and I got A-3. I raised it to 50, two fold, one calls. The flop comes out 4-A-3, so I go all in with my remaining stack and get called. I hope the guy has A-K or something like that, but he turns over A-4, nothing on the turn and the river, bye. I played too many damn hands and didn't throw away when I knew I was beat.

Now you may be thinking, "what the hell's the big deal about a $40 game"? Well, I'm insanely competitive. I'm a real dick when I play Trivial Pursuit as well...

Way to think on your feet there, George...

This clip has already been linked to death on other sites, but man, this should become the new "Fool me once". I didn't flub my defense questions this badly...

How could they do this to her when she was suffering through unprecedented drywall injuries?

The Tubey Award Results are in and the winner of the Most Appalling Reality Show Star award is...drum roll...well, it's not a big surprise, really.

What did surprise me is Lex's failure to make the top 3. At least the other two candidates had entertaining moments...

SWEET LORD! THIS IS JUST WRONG!

Well, it is...

But is my 2-for-1 buffet coupon still good??

The Donald has filed for bankruptcy specifically so that his casinos could be reorganized and made profitable. If I may suggest, Donny, more $5 blackjack, the Taj is really looking its age, and there's no reason you can't have poker in the Plaza and Marina. Gotta capitalize on the WPT generation, they are your future base...

Meh...

I'm back, but I do hope that the taffy I've brought back for my co-workers is seen as a gift, and not a metaphor for my brain right now...

So, anything interesting happen while I was out?

Vacation's all I ever wanted...

I know I'm taking Dubya time here, but my wife and I are going away for another long weekend, first to NYC (don't worry, we'll be on super-shmaduper alert) and then to Rhode Island for some beach time.

Talk to y'all on Monday...

I approve this message, and I think it's awesome...

CmdrSue showed me this hilarious clip. Will Ferrell's Dubya impersonation has really improved; it was always funny, but he's got the voice down now.

Why it's so important to kick the Republicans out...

I admit, I haven't read Blog for America as much as I used to, often because I'm still a tad on the bitter side, but I went back to celebrate Howard Dean's statement that thanks to President Bush it's impossible to tell whether the recent terror warnings are politically motivated or not. (Despite media hype to the contrary, Dr. Dean isn't saying they are politically motivated, but that Bush isn't above doing that, which is absolutely true). Anyway, I stumbled along this article by Rep. Jerrold Nadler about Tom DeLay's disgusting abuse of power in Congress, which should scare the crap out of all of us.

I also found out I missed another bat. Shoot. Well, it broke without my help...

I wish I lived in Virgil Goode's world...

Virgil Goode, the congressman for our district, perhaps most famous for (other VA-5 residents feel free to correct me) switching from the Democratic party to the Republican party after being elected as well as floating a proposal to have the National Guard patrol the US-Canada border, states that Virginia will vote Bush and he will win his congressional seat again because, well, Virginia is Republican. And Mark Warner was elected Governor NOT because Jim Gilmore ran this state into the fucking ground and lied to state legislators while doing so, but because Warner had more money. You see, in Virgil Goode's world, constitutients never take note of the performance of their elected officials. I guess all of that anecdotal evidence I've heard of Republicans voting Libertarian this year or staying home is just wrong.

If you read this article, and get as mad as I did, won't you consider throwing a sawbuck Al Weed's way?

It's not so fucking simple, OK?

Sorry for the pottymouth, but since I got into YET ANOTHER debate about the so-called "McDonald's coffee is too hot" case yesterday morning at our usual dining spot, I found this article in Kos to be timely, to say the least.

As you can imagine, I'm lots of fun to be around, especially before my initial cuppa...

Now here are DIFFICULT voting choices to make...

Just head over to Television Without Pity to take part in their annual Tubey Awards. I spent a long time deliberating over "Most Appalling Reality Show Star", but finally settled on Lex from Survivor "All-Stars". As much as I can agree with those who decided on Omarosa, Lex's young-child-being-dragged-out-of-a-toy-store petulance was the clincher.

Man, I may need to register under two different names just to get votes for Omarosa and Rupert in...

It's time to play everyone's favorite game, "Fill In The Caption"! Tonight's celebrity panel includes Jon "Bowzer" Bauman and jazz-rock vocal combo Manhattan Transfer! Let's play! 

Something else Ben Affleck and I have in common...

Hanging out in Atlantic City with our (in Ben's case, former) mothers-in-law (that is, if Ben actually married oh you know what I mean)...

Totally hypothetical, completely non-partisan, unbiased, equitable and evenly weighted poll...

OK, you have a choice for president between two men, you don't know with which political party they are affiliated.

One traveled in a gunboat with soldiers under heavy enemy fire.

One fell off his bike twice.

Choose.

Do they REALLY want to go there?

Apparently the new trick to embarrass Kerry is to release a montage of various clips over the years portraying Kerry as uncertain.

Gee, maybe the Dems could do that w/Dubya. Think they'll have enough source material? If you look at the top of Folkbum's site, you can have the first two snippets.

I find it hard to believe, though, that Republicans are using weapons that can so easily backfire. Maybe presenting a positive agenda...oh, right, I keep forgetting, their horribly radical policy is impossible to sell to the American people! Sheesh, when will I learn?

The Virginia Republican Party: Where Idiocy Meets Ideology

After the huge (or as Donald Trump would say, yooge) brouhaha over taxes that caused moderate Republicans to break off from the bibble-bibble wing and vote with Mark Warner, businesses have apparently been thanking these brave souls with donations. And a Virginia Public Radio report I heard not too long ago (sorry I couldn't find any link, you'll have to trust me) speculated that these moderate Repubs will need that dough to fend off primary challengers coming at them from the right.

There's absolutely no reason for the Republicans to be losing here, but it seems parties implode every decade or so...

Annoying songs and the people who love them...

Not too long ago I heard "Pure" by The Lightning Seeds on the radio, a song I haven't heard in a while but one I remember constantly fighting to keep from taking over my brain. I don't know exactly why, but it's a song I've never been able to get out of head, even though there are so many things about the song I hate. The blat-blat-blat of the synthesizer riff (set on "boat siren"), the other backup synth borrowed from the Robyn Hitchcock "Globe of Frogs" sessions, the other other backup synth on bass, the drum machine, and beneath it all, little Ian Broudie singing the most nauseatingly precious lyrics you'll ever hear. There's no way in hell this song should work, and yet while I'm clenching my teeth I'm tapping my toes. My "theory" is Mr. Broudie never, to his credit, ever leads the listener to believe there's a trace of irony here a la "The One I Love" or "Every Breath You Take". Even though any targeted love interest would immediately choke on either laughter or vomit from a possible serenade, the sincerity of the song makes it work. Somehow.

And then there's 311.

I actually like our local alternative music station (don't tell C. Franz) but they play an unreasonably disproportionate amount of 311. I have about 12 different 311 songs stuck in my brain, which probably is the reason I have to review Russian past active participles every year or so. Just change the station, you say? Oh, were it that easy, but every time the lame guitar licks come on, immediately followed by the lame rapping and lame reggae stylings I find myself perfoming Barthesian deconstruction on every aspect of the song, until it ends and I marvel at the fact that I didn't crash into a tree. I'm not a big fan of conflict, but at some point I may need to call the station to figure out which DJ is the drummer's cousin just so I can sleep at night...

Al Weed's campaign funds are rising just like a...plant of some sort.

The numbers are looking a lot better; in the second quarter Virgil Goode outraised Weed $166K to $110K, so Weed's fundraising has improved, but as C-Ville shows (click local news and scroll to Friday, July 16), Goode's still has a lot of cash on hand. I'd have thought Democratic groups would have been more quick to contribute to someone running against Goode, who was elected as a Democrat and then switched parties...

The recent endorsement from Democracy for America may help (and thanks to shari for bringing it to my attention). And how about John Edwards getting his sexy tush down here to help turn Virginia blue, and I don't mean from people screaming and fainting dead away at the sight of him...

Well, I guess people scream and faint dead away at the sight of Cheney as well, but you're not supposed to look at such concentrated evil directly. Take two pieces of cardboard, punch a hole in one...

Linka dinka doo...

Look to the right, and check out Fink Tank 3000, Redeye's Corner, and Right Hand Thief at your leisure...

I'll be reading them once I get "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" out of my head...

I KNOW there's a Dubya joke in here somewhere...

...but a better person than me will have to make it. But please share it in the comments box...

Things I learned in Charleston...

* If you go to Charleston, I recommend The Indigo Inn. Not the best room I've ever had, but one of the nicest experiences in a hotel ever thanks to an incredibly friendly staff and beautiful courtyard. Then again, I'm a sucker for a good courtyard.

* At about 382 different points in the city you will be accosted and asked if you would like free tickets to various tourist destinations in exchange for a quick presentation about a vacation club, definitely not a timeshare. For some reason, my wife and I were constantly asked if we were married first, leading to giggly non-answers from me. Anyway, the presentation was insultingly bad, since I usually whip out the checkbook and my wife has to chloroform me while I'm scribbling "THOUSAND". C'mon! You call THAT a hard sell?

* If you've recently bought property south of Broad Street on the historic district, people hate you. Well, I can vouch for two tour guides and one jazz guitarist...

* If you're a Revolutionary-War-era redcoat, they're probably not too fond of you either...

* Apparently, red shoes were used to identify whores in the old days of Charleston, though a Saks Fifth Avenue retail assistant didn't seem too happy when my wife pointed that out. No, the retail assistant wasn't WEARING the red shoes, though that would have made the story funnier...

* Don't be late for your carriage tour...

* Hyman's Seafood. Delish.

Expert poll analysis from yours truly...

I believe these results may have something to do with the fact that John Kerry, for all his douchebaggery, isn't a drooling cocaine-loving cretin. Perhaps.

Well, they screwed up the war on terror, they'll probably screw this up too...

Apparently Republicans are setting up a war room in Boston for the Democratic convention.

Sheesh. Why is the Republican Party becoming so hostile and nasty? Oh, right, they can't sell their radical policies to the American voter and must resort to these tactics in order to have a chance in hell of winning. Silly me, I almost forgot...

You know what, Ralph?

You can just eat me.

I mean, I've defended you in the past (OK, I've said you're so beyond relevance you won't matter in the 2004 election, that's KIND OF defending you), but actively working with Republicans to get on the ballot pretty much dashes the idea that you're doing this for any other reason than to get Bush reelected. Shame.

I do, however, disagree with the Democratic official who calls this move a dirty trick. There's no deceit here, the Republicans have made it very clear why they're helping Nader. And are we really surprised? Their party is full of wild-eyed radicals with only one thing on their mind, winning. Since they can't make any reasonable arguments for their policies, they have to resort to this. I'd almost feel sorry for moderates like Lincoln Chafee and Olympia Snowe, as well as principled conservatives like McCain and Pat Roberts, if they didn't let rabid ideologues like DeLay, Cheney, and Santorum call the shots, and give free rein to an incompetent administration that at best has no idea how to deal with terrorism and at worst is letting it occur in order to exploit the fear.

This could very well be your legacy, Ralph. I'd much rather it be the airbag.

Oh, Lord...

This is just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Even more wrong than those pictures the Olsen twins insist on taking. More wrong than the Michael Douglas-Catherine Zeta-Jones marriage. Wrong. Ick. Yuck. Like it's not hard enough to continue to justify the world in which we live. Why? Can someone tell me why? I'm going to bed now...

Soooooooooooo jet-lagged...
 
I wanted my first Charleston post to be a fun-filled extravaganza filled with interesting facts, but check out the subject line.
 
Why don't you just look at the comments instead for well-written tidbits from kid oakland, shari, and Dave Shearon?  Their blogs are better, too.  C. Franz has been posting lately as well.  I suck.

Oh, by the way, Rick Santorum's an idiot...

...as if you didn't know.

See ya wacky kids later...

My wife and I are strapping the luggage on the ol' station wagon for four fun-filled days in Charleston, where you can't walk down the street without someone kicking you in the shins with that dance. See you on Monday, and remember, terrorists want Bush to win in November!

It's a good thing that Dick Cheney is a Halliburton Model X9-350 Flesh-Covered Automaton without the optional Emotion Consciousness upgrade...

Or this might have caused tension in his marriage...

Sometimes a corgi just has to take it easy...

Posted by Hello

Shut up, Flo. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Having ditched the telly, I can only get my Amazing Race fix vicariously now, but I still encourage those plugged in to check out what may be the single best entertainment product in the history of the universe. Of course, Amazing Race is the proud possessor of the absolute worst-behaved participant in the history of reality TV, Flo. Omarosa, you immediately retort? Don't make me laugh. Flo acted this way to her FRIEND, and FLO GOT A HALF A MILLION DOLLARS! Forget Chernyshevsky, forget nihilism, THIS is a valid argument one could present as evidence there is no God...deep breath. OK, I'm OK.

Anyway, friends and AR followers might like this article, where Flo and Zach seem to be at least getting a small fraction of their long overdue karma, and this one where Amazing Race is used to teach people how to travel well (hint 1: DON'T TAKE FLO!!!).

"My son was just a bit of meat to them..."

How sad.

Go get 'im, Howie!

Dr. Howard "shouldhavebeendemnomineeifitweren'tforscumbagGephardtandKerryallrighti'llbegood" Dean will be debating Ralph Nader at 2 today. Say what you want about Ralphy boy (please do, you won't offend me) but he doesn't back down from a good fight. I'd love to listen to this live, too bad my work computer doesn't have a sound card. Maybe they did this on purpose so I wouldn't loaf around at the office.

Not that blogging at the office isn't, um, loafing, um, it's "communications"! Yeah, that's the ticket...

Have I mentioned how much I love my supervisor? ;)

Man, not only is our president a chickenshit...

...he's a crybaby as well.

Well, childhood has taught me what to do in situations like this. CRY, DUBYA! CRY, CRY, CRY, CRY, CRY, CRY...

Sad, but true.

Our president's a chickenshit.

"Mr. President, can you spell the word 'cat'?"

Tim Russert, fair and balanced. Gotta love Tom Tomorrow (yes, you gotta)...

Happy Birthday, Mr. President...

Hope you enjoy the present John Kerry's giving you, vacation time in November.

Yay! More gambling!

Why make hard budget decisions when you can just legalize slot machines, right, state of Pennsylvania? I've always been torn on the subject, because I lurrrrve gambling (I consider my gambling problem to be I don't get to gamble often enough), but I'm not an idiot (despite popular opinion) and fully aware of the social ills associated with too much access to this sort of thing. Also, this slot-machines-in-racetracks way of going about it just strikes me as bullshit; if you're going to do it, open a fucking casino. With a poker parlor.

I'm wary of the cost-benefit analysis here; would I have voted for a property tax decrease knowning lives will be ruined as a result? Sigh, probably.

It's a loooooo-loooooooooooooo...

Here's a list of cartoons for the second Looney Tunes DVD set. I'm sure all the film majors are excited about "What's Opera, Doc?" finally making the cut, I'm personally excited about "Show Biz Bugs". There are maybe too many Tweety cartoons to my liking (I prefer the early homicidal Tweety to his cuter, later version) but this will still probably make my DVD collection (as well as make my wife's eyes roll)...

Clarkton Bridge saved...

...thanks to some private donors.

And what better way to celebrate than to give cash to Al Weed? (Howdya like that segue? Subtle, huh?)

Well, I GUESS it works...

Being bored and unhappy, I stumbled across this online translator which actually works in Russian; just for "fun" I ran the first sentence from the BBCRussian.com article on Marlon Brando's death to see how it came out in English. Here it is verbatim:

" The Hollywood rebel " Brando has died in Los Angeles One of reformers of modern American film-school, has died in Los Angeles in the age of 80 years. It posesses the most well-known Hollywood roles.

RIP, Marlon. Thanks to you, I'll never look at butter the same way again...

Screw Euro 2004...

This is a battle for the ages. I'm talking Dean-Nader, baby, the left-wing political debate equivalent of Holyfield-Tyson. Steamboat-Flair. Noble-good-guy-hardass/insane-maniac-but-no-less-a-hardass. Should be fun, and I'll be over at Wild Wing Cafe or whatever other sports bar that'll be televising this...

And if I may go over into Seinfeld mode for a sec, I was at the WWCafe watching the football championships and I'm a little offended by the "Chernobyl" wings offered on the menu. Is it a new trend to name wings after horrific atrocities? Did I just not notice the Armenian Genocide Wings or the Spanish Influenza Epidemic of 1918 Mozzarella Sticks? A little more sensitivity here, sports bar marketing departments...

Save Clarkton Bridge...

I'm a bit of a nevsky-come-lately on this, since the demolition is scheduled, well, tomorrow, but here's a site that deals with this issue (and don't forget to contribute to Al Weed)...

WHY? F*CKING WHY?

Can all of us, political affiliations notwithstanding, agree that killing puppies by putting firecrackers in their mouths is just plain wrong?

Al Weed campaign update

Thought I'd share a little blurb from Al Weed's campaign update:

--
AL WEED PROPOSES PLAN TO SAVE CLARKTON BRIDGE
Apply for State and National Historic Registers Congressional Candidate Says

Al Weed, the Democratic candidate for Congress in Virginia’s 5th District, today offered a proposal for saving Clarkton Bridge from VDOT’s planned Friday demolition of the 103 year-old structure. Weed suggested applying for inclusion of the bridge in the Virginia Landmarks and National Historic Registers and getting a court injunction to halt the demolition pending the result of the application.

"It’s crazy for VDOT to spend taxpayer dollars to destroy an historic and cherished local landmark…especially since it would cost more to destroy Clarkton Bridge than to renovate it," said Weed, a Nelson County farmer and retired Command Sergeant Major in the U.S. Army Special Forces. "Not only is this government bureaucracy at its worst, it’s the only time I’ve ever seen VDOT try to do anything on time."

In addition to explaining the bridge’s historic significance, Weed pointed out the economic benefits of preserving rather than demolishing Clarkton Bridge. According to Weed, Charlotte and Halifax County businesses would profit from the nature tourism and heritage tourism that would be drawn to the unique landmark. The bridge would be a sure tourist draw with its ideal location overlooking the Staunton River, its potential as a stop on the Virginia Birding and Wildlife Trail, its position as a link in a regional hiking-biking-riding trail network, and its charming architecture.

"Here we have a perfect example of something that can help create jobs in Southside that can’t be shipped off to China, and VDOT wants to tear it down. It’s nuts."

In addition to having experience as a farmer and a soldier, Weed has experience in rural land use issues and land conservation. For his years of conservation work, Governor Mark Warner recognized Mr. Weed’s efforts by naming him as the 5th District Trustee for the Virginia Land Conservation Trust Fund.

"Sometimes the effort to preserve tradition may look like an effort to block progress. In this case, demolishing the Clarkton Bridge chips away at our heritage and achieves no progress. VDOT would be wrong to tear down the bridge," said Weed. "Governments are supposed to take orders from their citizens—not the other way around."
--

This is also the last day of the quarter, and the last day to help Mr. Weed's 225K goal on his blog. The figure currently on the blog has been there for a week, so I'm guessing he's closer to 225K than indicated.

And redneckers, they get us pissed/And stupid stuff, it makes us shout...

My dear friend from college surprised me with a box from Amazon (ooh, I do so love getting those Amazon boxes!); the Pixies DVD. It's all a delight, the concert, the "documentary" (Bowie, Thom Yorke, PJ Harvey, and others taking turns kissing tush), the "stalking Kim Deal", er, I mean, the "behind the scenes" film, but there's one reason I'd recommend this to anyone in my age group.

The hilariously shitty videos.

Granted, some of them are purposefully shitty, like "Monkey Gone to Heaven", but "Velouria", even as a joke, is like watching flies...make a shitty rock video. Even the "good" ones, like "Here Comes Your Man" and "Alec Eiffel" have a cheap sheen that you just can't see on MTV anymore, now that a six-figure budget and dressing girls in TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE CLOTHING WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT...sorry...have become requirements for videos. You gotta love the fact that 3/4 of the band knew how ugly and unmarketable they were, and put themselves on the screen anyway.

Hopefully I'll be able to catch them on their reunion tour after getting screwed by Lollapalooza. God bless the Pixies.

Let me finish! Let me finish! Me angry! BUSH SMASH!

Via CmdrSue, I discovered this hilarious and alarmingly accurate annotation of Dubya's disasterous interview on Irish TV, where the reporter had the temerity to ask follow-up questions.

That's our representative abroad, ladies and gentlemen. When I lived in Russia, my friends used to cringe whenever Yeltsin was shown on the news, and I never fully understood why. I do now...

Saturday on the Downtown Mall with liberals, farmers, and corgis...

Saturday morning is more or less the same for the Mrs. and I; stagger out of bed, strap the Gentle Leader on Mr. Monty, and get ourselves down to the City Market for fresh produce, coffee, and in my case, basking in the reflective glow of passers-by stopping to pet my doggie. Today was especially chatty; while my wife was in the dog-free area actually shopping for veggies, I strolled around the outside perimeter getting quizzed about Cowboy Bebop and Television Without Pity (wore the T-shirt this morning).

I also stopped by our local theater to see people stretching out on a blanket two hours in advance waiting for Fahrenheit 9/11 tickets. It looked like a Star Wars line without the dressing up (well, I guess some of them sorta looked like Michael Moore by skipping the morning shower), amazing.

Also bumped into my buddy (hi, buddy, if you're reading this!) who met Al Weed this week and came away very impressed. If you have the opportunity, again, read his blog and give him some cash, because getting rid of Virgil "As A Congressman, He's Not Very" Goode would be great by itself, but replacing him with a man of Weed's caliber and character is a chance that shouldn't be missed.

Does Dick Cheney kiss the Clone Guardian of Embryo Vat 9-XV2 on planet Vyxzrk Z-vector Six with that mouth?

Yep, our veep crawled out of his hole long enough to curse out Vermont senator Patrick Leahy. I would say this is indisputable proof that Bush and Cheney are an embarrassment to our country and the Republican Party, but we all knew that anyway.

And does anyone else secretly hope that Kerry picks Leahy as his VP candidate just so he can debate Cheney?

Wow, a total eclipse in Central Virginia! No, wait, that's just Michael Moore blotting out the sun...

I don't think I'll be seeing Fahrenheit 9/11 on opening night; our local theater has already put out warnings on its website that it doesn't sell tickets in advance and that lines will probably be long, so I can wait.

I will eventually see it, though. Moore may be an obnoxious schmuck, but he's OUR obnoxious schmuck...

We've sighted the Millenium Falcon, Lord Nader...

I've been in a conversation with Ellen about Nader and his impact on the presidential race, a topic on Kos that I've enjoyed following on various diaries but have no desire to participate in.

If Nader gets more than 1% this time, I'll eat a salad. Yeah, I know what he's polling, but since even the Green party isn't sure about Nader this time, he's just going to get the groupies.

Still, I can't feel TOO bad for Kerry, just because I remember freezing my tuckus off in front of Harris Teeter trying to convince people to vote for another candidate, while my partner made the argument that it would be better for the Dems to nominate a centrist that had appeal to former Nader voters than, say, a liberal even liberals thought was a bit of a cold fish.

But they didn't listen, and no, I'm not bitter (my teeth always grind like this). As far as I'm concerned, Kerry owes us all a win, so let him go out there and be electible. He has my help, and he needs to worry about the 90% in the middle, not the two radicals in the presidential race with him.