8 Bits O' Nevsky - Impulse Control edition

With the arrival of BlazBlue this week and Metroid: Other M already on pre-order from Amazon and due to arrive at the end of August, I'm going to do my best to go the whole month without actually buying anything new. So this blog is about the games I'm going to miss.

* The DS is the go-to unit for old-school RPGs, so all the retro gamers are going nuts over Dragon Quest IX. And this series, somehow, missed me completely, so I'm not really hit with the retro pangs. Final Fantasy III and Chrono Trigger were already disappointments anyway. Actually, The World Ends With You pretty much killed any tolerance I had for turn-based combat and random encounters by being the single best fucking game on the DS, and maybe this entire console generation.

* Didn't buy Starcraft II. Probably won't. I don't know why I missed both of them, probably because my haphazard computer ownership meant at the time the first one came out I didn't have a machine capable of running it. Even though I really don't desire either game, I do consider not having played them a character flaw...

* The Nintendo 3DS may actually come out this holiday season, but...oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I am SO buying the shit out of that.

Robert Hurt: Pro-fringe, Anti-accountability

I think this illustrates the difference between our current congressman, Tom Perriello, and his opponent, Robert "HURT U.S. CONGRESS! It's in his name, people!" Hurt.

The Congressman is going to conduct twenty town hall meetings all over the district in August.

Hurt is going to meet the Lynchburg Tea Party in an event closed to the media.

I don't think it is the least bit partisan to say that Congressman Perriello has been a welcome change from Virgil Goode in terms of accessibility and constituent service. It would be nice to hear his opponents acknowledge this as well.

Ten hottest Dr. Who companions? Well, he's close.

But the answer is (in chronological order): Dodo, Jo, Sarah Jane, Leela, 1st Romana, Peri, Rose, Captain Jack, Martha, Amy.

And to the commenters in that article who bemoaned the absence of Nyssa and Tegan, well, maybe if they changed their clothes once in a while they'd be higher up the list...

You can't argue with results...but you can certainly try to hide them.

And it seems that's what McDonnell is doing...

The sad thing is the way things are looking in November this is probably going to work...

This is why memory is kind, or, "Nice hair, Glenn..."

This article on the Squeeze reunion led me to reminisce about one of my fave albums from my high school years, Cosi Fan Tutti Frutti, which I realize is considered an aberration by Squeeze fans but was the only one of theirs I really liked (the next one was OK but my interest quickly faded). I remember being taken in by "Hits of The Year" once on MTV and immediately running out to get the cassette.

So once again, foregoing my rule, I sought out the video. Holy fucking shit.



The hair, the dancing (I hope the boys are taking the piss here), the stock footage. There are more bad choices in this video than my entire time in college. And I'm including the clothes.

Once I clean my eyes with limestone and salt, I'll be quick to re-download the album. I still love that song.

But let this be a lesson to all of you looking to re-experience the pleasant memories you associate with childhood. DON'T!

OK, there's a new BP chief...

...and if the political world has taught me anything, it means the Gulf oil spill is Dudley's fault. And Obama's, of course...

Sarah wins another big presidential poll!

Sure, it's one from the Great Orange Satanists about who they want to face Obama, but c'mon, a headline's a headline!

And I thought it was gracious of Palin to provide a press release:

In the 13th hierarchical city, Kagutsuchi, the Librarium regulates the amazing power of Armagus, a fusion of magic and technology. Currently they are after a wanted criminal named Ragna The Bloodedge, also known as Death, who wants to destroy the Librarium. Due to Ragna possessing a powerful form of Armagus known as the Azure Grimoire, people far and wide are after not only his bounty, but his grimoire as well. This is where our story begins.

Oh wait, sorry, that's the opening from BlazBlue. You can understand my confusion, the rhetorical styles are similar.

Wishful thinking aside (and be MOTHERFUCKING CAREFUL about what you wish for) there's no doubt in my mind that Palin would love to RUN for president, I'm just not convinced she'd want to BE president. Why do a job that's twenty times the work for one-twentieth the pay?

Anyway, she's probably busy preparing for her cameo in Kate Plus 8. Still not sure who's doing the slumming in that one...

8 Bits O' Nevsky - button mashing edition

For someone who really stinks at fighting games, they sure seem to be on my radar...

* Watching that EVO Championship fight inspired me to go back to Tatsunoko vs. Capcom and get my online rating up from "Ace" to "Champ" (which I think is like the 8th lowest rank out of about 50 or so). Saying this game is the best fighting game on the Wii is basically saying it's better than Super Smash Bros. Brawl and damning it with faint praise. The game gets my heart racing in a way even the excellent Super Street Fighter IV can't. And although I know there was concern about its accessibility when Capcom released it, the nostalgia factor was a big plus for me, since I'm old enough to remember Battle Of The Planets and relished the possibility of recreating Whirlwind Pyramid...

Of course, the combo is so complex that I managed to pull it off exactly once.

* I've also had enough saved on my Amazon account to pick up BlazBlue: Continuum Shift; which is releasing this week. The only things I know about this game all that the series is well-regarded in the fighting community and that it looks fucking gorgeous. Good enough for me, but I still may invest in the big strategy guide.

* And I never got into the Marvel vs. Capcom series and was on the fence on the new one. But they had me at Amaterasu. So I never really whore my website Amazon links but feel free to click on one between now and next April...

* In fact, with two different Street Fighter/Tekken crossovers coming down in the future, feel free to click twice. I really should find a less expensive and more dignified habit, like meth...

Can you even bet gold bars and apocalypse garden seeds?

I've already mentioned how The Scarecrow and Pumpkinhead Show is going to drag Atlantic City down in the gutter, but talk about doubling down on the crazy. Frickin' Glenn BECK?!? How dare you sully that venue a mere week after The sainted Fixx are going to play?

And Bill, what the hell are you doing slumming with THAT nutbag? Bill, Bill, we used to be friends! Call me, we'll crack open a jar of spiderman applesauce and reminisce...

Gosh it's hot...

And after a week or two where it actually dipped down into the low 90s, we're back to the soul-sucking triple digits that make going outside an act of borderline insanity.

One nice thing we discovered this summer, I've been taking my daughter to the remade Forest Hills Park and the water park they've put up is amazing. For a three-year-old, that looks like Disneyworld. Sure beats the sprinkler park where I was growing up; that thing ran twice a year, and it was usually there to collect broken glass for the kids to play with...

Robert Hurt: Anti-Jobs, Pro-Deficit.

I guess doubling down on the crazy is a good way to win in this district, because Hurt met with our local baggers (man, I feel dirty just including that link) to ensure them he wouldn't lift a finger to help his constituents. He'd vote against a stimulus package like the one that's created 3 million jobs, and vote for repealing health care reform, which would add $100 billion to the deficit. And the Tea Party loves this, for some reason.

Because really, what more could you expect from a man whose placards read "HURT U.S. CONGRESS"?

No, I'm not selling merkin bleach...

...this is the reason I've been yelling "BOXLEITNER!!"



This can't be as good as it looks, and what has me filling my pants with ooey gooey nerdcreme is I've always wanted a sequel to Tron. But not the actual movie, which is actually fucking boring despite a couple of awesome set pieces. No, this looks like it's going to be bringing the great parts of the movie, basically the concept and Jeff Bridges, and actually sustaining an interesting narrative with even more fabulous set pieces. And even more Jeff Bridges.

Christ, I need to sit down...after I change my pants.

Leveling up to 8 Bits O' Nevsky...

* Demon's Souls are keeping their servers running for at least seven more months - I should be about 42% finished with the game by then. Wait a minute, the game's on Pure White Tendency now? Well fuck this blogging shit, I got to get back on because I might finally have a chance to beat the Maneater.

* Thanks to the GameStop sale and a previous trade, I managed to snag Final Fantasy XIII for sixteen bucks. I don't know why. The only FF game I've ever beaten was the first one. The VERY first one. And the DS cartridge of Final Fantasy III sits on my shelf and taunts me, knowing that Luneth and his friends will never win that stupidly impossible final battle.

* As much as I like a good narrative and a cheap joke, there's a pretty simple, obvious reason Tiger Woods 11 is crashing the SUV compared to last year. Tiger Woods 10, the first one to use WiiMotion Plus, is awesome. Why bother with a new one, when you're going to have to wait for Tiger Woods 12 for the improved John Daly stats...

Jesus Christ, when is this guy going to DO something?

Fine you signed Wall Street reform into law.

Oh, and the most ambitious health care reform law ever.

Oh, and a stimulus package that created 3 million jobs.

All in the first 20 months of your presidency.

Now can you stop playing poker with ACORN guys joking about how to stick it to whitey and do something that helps Americans?

Commander Sue's latest endeavor...

Hey, I know I'm a bit behind on the hottest new blogs, but you can understand. You take a hiatus from blogging to go away for eight months on a secret time-travel experiment, witnessing horrors not meant to be seen by even the most damned of souls, you're going to miss some things. So imagine my delight when I found out my bestest blogging buddy, CmdrSue, has a funky fresh blog devoted to upcoming authors!

So go check out Writing Insight now. Xrdatasqyrk demands it.

As a degenerate gambler, this offends me.

While driving down the New Jersey Turnpike on the way home from a long weekend, I noticed that Ann Coulter and James Carville were making a joint appearance at the Atlantic City Hilton, and as a big fan of the dear city, I found it annoying.

My first thought was that Coulter and Carville were both the worst representations of their respective political spectrums but then it occurred to me that Coulter's borderline-treasonous feces-throwing-mango-fucking-gorilla-bullshit-batshit insanity has actually been rendered rather quaint and old-fashioned by the new representatives of the hard right, like a pair of tinfoil pantaloons. Carville, of course, is still as fucking annoying as ever, but should still be certainly effective of getting in a couple of shivs on Obama while he has the chance.

But I shudder at thought of hard-working Americans actually blowing up to 150 (!) bucks on The Scarecrow and Pumpkinhead Show when they could be doing something noble with that dough, like blowing it on the table to poker grinders or running it through that awesome Monopoly slot machine.

Because pointing out racists are racist is racist...

Our ol' buddy Mark Williams went back for a second helping of the white victimization buffet and turned out a letter so ridiculous that he actually got fired as the Tea Party Express spokesman and probably even made Mel Gibson say "whoa, buddy, you need a little self-control". Another man victimized by the racist NAACP!

I admit, I was shocked. First, I didn't realize that this was a paid position from which you got fired; secondly, previous dogwhistles were so obvious that it wasn't too far a step from what these guys have produced, but I guess the barest smidgen of plausible deniability is necessary to enable the fake outrage that occurs once these guys are invariably called on it.

Still, there are questions open for debate. Like, which of Williams' fingers do you think was pre-slickened on his anal insertion glove, ready for action while his other hand lovingly cupped his testicles as he was dictating his letter with the help of Dragon Naturally Speaking software for Windows 7?

I'm guessing the ring finger. With the ring still on, of course.

8 Bits O' Nevsky - Microsoft sucks edition

It was very disappointing to hear from bro that Microsoft was putting the kibosh on 1 vs. 100 Live. I was surprised to hear it; I thought it was doing well, I mean, it was doing well, I don't even think that was the issue.

When I was looking at non-Wii consoles, the PS3 was a no-brainer. Demon's Souls and Uncharted 2 were the exclusives I absolutely had to try, and I did not give a rat's tush about Halo or Mass Effect. But playing 1 v. 100 Live at my buddy's house was the first time I felt the XBox console gave a must-play experience that justified its purchase, indeed justified its fifty-bucks-on-top-of-the-console experience. Without it the XBox becomes far less desirable,since its free service is horrible compared to the PS3's (which is no great shakes but very nice for free). Heck, even the Wii will give you two-player games for free. For fifty bucks a year I'd have expected 1 vs. 100 to be the rule, not the one exception Microsoft felt they can't afford anymore.

Really, without it, what part of XBox Live is worth fifty bucks?

Another edition of Ceee-lebrity Ceee-corner...

* I do feel for Whoopi, I do. It must be hard when one of your friends turns out to be batshit insane. But I'm compelled to point out two things: even if Oksana is a golddigger, she doesn't deserve to have her teeth knocked out, she deserves to be the subject of a cautionary EPMD video. And can we really take Whoopi's opinions seriously, given her past judgment?

And if you think this post is nothing more than an obvious excuse to post an EPMD video and bring up that dinosaur movie again, well, duh.

* And I know there's more tapes of the crazy, but I'm still invoking the Human Centipede Rule, though I need to change the name of that Rule because it brings up unpleasant images each time I invoke it.

* Pervo Polanski stays in Europe. I'm sure, somehow, it's Obama's fault.

Time fer 8 Bits O' Nevsky!

That's right, my new semi-regular feature where I blog about my videogame habit! It's fresh! It's hip! It's in your face with a moderate whiff of desperation!

* Via Kotaku, the remake of Haunted House impresses me more for its reinvention of a retro property than any real desire to play the games. The article is more nifty for me for the comments it inspired about the old videogames that used to scare the sh*t out of its players. What I always found odd was the game Adventure, where, if you got killed, you didn't get a "game over" screen, you just festered in the belly of a dragon, now stationary and presumably satiated. If you waited long enough, the black bat would invariably pick you up and take you on a tour of the world, allowing you to see beyond the barriers you came across in the game (and of course, there was the special "dot" Easter egg). Then, just as dispassionately, it would drop you off in a new area, leaving you to slowly digest as time passed...and passed...

* I don't know why I insist on buying fighting games; I stink at them and clearly lack the reflexes of the masters, now one-third my age and quick to pwn me online. Witness this championship video of Tatsunoko vs. Capcom. It's good to be robbed of all illusions that I will ever, ever, be any good at this game, my online "Ace" rating notwithstanding. LOVE the commentators as well...



* I'm vacillating between Joe Danger and Deathspank as a new PSN purchase. Danger's been getting the better reviews, but the game seems to be the most fun in multiplayer, while my preferred method of play is usually single. Deathspank looks to be goofy in that Castle Crashers/'Splosion Man sort of play, but a 2D hack'n'slasher with light puzzle and RPG elements seems right up my alley. Still, I'm loathe to invest in a new PS3 game until I get through the four sticking points in Demon's Souls that have consumed the last fifteen hours of playtime.

I'm looking forward to the Kenny G tax...

Our black Muslim president of color is a racist oppressor of beleaguered honkies...

...it's the Obama administration that put a tax on white people with a tanning salon tax. I mean, this is the kind of stuff the Tea Party movement is fighting.

That's the whiny-ass titty baby cherry on the victimization sundae. It's just impossible to parody these guys anymore. But it does give me a good excuse to post the final say on this matter:

Of course, thinking this is racist bullshit just makes me racist, somehow...

From TMPDC: Bullshit artist spews bullshit.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has made her latest pronouncement on the evils of the Obama administration -- that they are "turning our country into a nation of slaves."

And of course, her choice of words isn't a cynical dogwhistle designed to capture the sense of white victimhood so prevalent among the extreme right, and it's obviously out of context, since I didn't type up the entire transcript.

Also, Jesse Jackson said Dan Gilbert thinks of LeBron James like a "runaway slave", and that's exactly the same thing, and I didn't blog about it.

And I never mentioned those times Prince wrote the word "slave" on his face and how stupid it was, either, too, and how dare I not blog about that, too, also?

Did I get everything?

Fuck that fucking octopus.

Go Netherlands!

UPDATE (5:00 PM):Fucking octopus.

Just got my bitch ass knocked out of a poker tournament...

If anyone who happens to be good at Omaha Hi stumbles across this blog please feel free to leave a few pointers because clearly I have no idea how to play that particular variant...

Oh, thank heavens for the rain...

It's been about three weeks since we had it, and I don't even know how long it's been since it rained without delivering major damage to the area...

Mel Gibson and The Human Centipede Rule

Sis e-mailed about the Mel Gibson bombshell, but as I hovered my finger over the "play" button, I couldn't bring myself to listen.

It's not that a childhood hero is going to be destroyed; I enjoyed Gibson's pre-1995 movies just fine, but I'd hardly call myself a fan. I'm also more than willing to accept that he's the shithead the accumulated evidence over the last few years seemed to suggest.

But I don't find this amusing; this isn't Christian Bale being a dick, or Alec Baldwin yelling at his kid, heck, this isn't even Gibson being crazy in the past. This is something I just don't need to hear no matter how much I'm being prodded by my morbid curiosity.

Which brings me to The Human Centipede Rule, which I had decided to impose upon myself earlier after, well, the name of the rule should be clue enough. THERE ARE THINGS IN THIS WORLD WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW. Let's leave this one to the cops and Mel Gibson's God, who, from the way He treated His Son in Gibson's movie, seems to have the same torture fetish Mel has.

PS If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm begging you, don't google The Human Centipede. Just...don't.

So, I heard someone decided to play basketball somewhere...

Yeah, can't bring myself to care too much about the LeBron James decision, though it sure has been fun bathing in the crazy.

I wish him well, sometimes you have to break out of your comfort zone to achieve success. Look at Jordan...

And of course, James might come to regret this decision. Like that time I was really thirsty, and there was an old coffee can full of moose piss that had been in the sun for two weeks, and tragically, I chose to drink a Pepsi instead.

Sorry, Kevin Smith, you have to buy two tickets to ride on Nevsky's Musical Journey...

Once again, my semi-regular feature where I turn on my Pandora mix and just write what I'm thinking as the music plays.

This is as interesting as it sounds. Off we go!

* Rush, "Nobody's Hero"

Well, I'm not the fan bro is, but I do likes me my Rush. And not just the classic stuff, I've been on record saying that Presto is one of their best.

But man, this song ain't good. This is the intersection of all the annoying Rush tropes: annoying three-syllable rhymes, uninteresting riffs. It all just lays there. And yes, I know what the song is about, I'm sure it's heartfelt. Hey, not all of them can be Freewill...or even Roll The Bones.

* Cream, "Sunshine Of Your Love"

Obviously the first thing I'm thinking about is how to talk Jimmy out of whacking Morrie, but this song also holds a soft spot in my heart because it was one of the first riffs I managed to pluck out on my guitar with my dumb, sausaugey fingers. But I never got any better than "Just Like Heaven"...

* Modern English, "Melt With You"

Just like anyone else who watched MTV in the '80s, I can't not listen to the song, but the thing I remember most about the video was the lead singer's forearm, which had a small, but nasty-looking infected cut on it (go check out the video, it's there). I always remember thinking he needed to put some peroxide on that.

* The Beatles, "For No One"

Dammit, why this song? This song always makes me sob. It also makes me think "How can the guy who wrote this and 'Eleanor Rigby' also be the guy that wrote 'Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da'?"

And the reason that song makes my jaw clench is the constant repetition of it in fifth- and sixth-grade music class, as we were forced to sing it by our music teacher...who also happened to be the guy who gave me guitar lessons and taught me "Sunshine Of Your Love". Heavy.

OK, the journey's over, we're returning to the station. Return your seats to the upright position and pull up your pants...

I'm all fertile with ideas, really...

but it's too fucking hot to type them.

Maybe an ice-cold lemonade will help...wonder if there are any stands around.

Well played, Mr. Corgi...

Hey, you know what's funny? When your dog decides to wake you up at six by howling as if the house is being attacked by wild bears.

Then when you're finished calming your crying three-year-old, she, naturally, is too jacked to go back to sleep and looks at you adorably and says "Daddy, please play with me" in a tone you KNOW you'd never refuse in a million years because only Ursula from The Little Mermaid could refuse a request like that.

And then when you stagger into the living room with half-open eyes still teary from lack of sleep, you see your corgi, satisfied that the danger has been cleared, trotting back into the bedroom to get the two hours of sleep most NORMAL PEOPLE GET ON A LONG WEEKEND.

Funny, right? Ha ha ha! *whimper*

Heeeeeey, baby, it's the 4th of July...

Enjoy yourself, and for the love of all that is holy, stay safe...

I think I'm being told something...

I mean yesterday, I write my first blog post in 8 months, and then the next day, poof! My monitor goes.

So I've commandeered my wife's laptop to say to the blog gods that I got the message loud and clear, and you're right! This blog DOESN'T have enough Shalamar!



So, we're cool, right?

Oh, Ghana, the pain...

I so feel for you.

That handball stopping a sure goal, aaaaaaagh.

That penalty shot, double aaaaaaagh.

Those penalty shots, triple aaaaaaagh.

That's gotta hurt.