Why I'm not a good guest on political chat shows...

People, both real and imagined, having found me to be a rather passionate character, have wondered why I don't strive to become a more public figure. Well, as much as a part of me would like to be out on the public airwaves, the fact of the matter is that I do not possess that Howard-Dean-like Zen that would allow me to refute utter bullshit calmly and effectively. Furthermore, I get really angry when I attempt to engage in a debate, only to be met with stone-faced resistance and the ceaseless parroting of right-wing propaganda, without any admission of even listening to what I had just said. This invariably leads to my losing control, allowing them to use me to promote the inaccurate stereotype of the quote-unquote "angry liberal".

For example, here's an excerpt from the 37th most popular chat show in our state, "Someone's In The Kitchen With Virginia," where we're discussing the effort to place anti-gay marriage language in the state constitution:

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ME
I would like to point out to my colleague that gay marriage is already illegal in this state, and while this poorly-worded statute wouldn't further so-called protection against gay marriage, it could, in fact, lead to courts swamped with lawsuits challenging any partnership considered to be non-traditional.

RIGHT-WING BLOGGER
We need this legislation in order to protect the sanctity of marriage against homosexuals.

ME
Even though I disagree, that's not the issue. It. Is. Already. Illegal. As a so-called fiscal conservative, you should be upset the state house is wasting taxpayers' time and money with this referendum. As a so-called limited-government conservative, you should be upset that they want to so brazenly rewrite the state constitution. Or are you just cynically hoping this will be yet another successful distraction from the corruption and incompetence of the state GOP?

RIGHT-WING BLOGGER
We need this legislation in order to protect the sanctity of marriage against homosexuals.

ME
I see. Allow me to rebut by smacking my colleague upside the head with this oar.

*SMASH**SMASH*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! CUCKOO! CUCKOO! BIBBLE-BIBBLE-OATBRAN! I WANTS ME SOME MASHED POTATOES! AND GRAVY AIN'T WAVY!
A-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
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Not my finest hour, I admit. And it didn't get any better when I was asked to appear on the nationally televised "Shoot the Shit"...

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ME
The fact of the matter is that the president and his administration can conduct spying operations on anyone he chooses, as long as he gets a retroactive warrant. The fact that he doesn't do so should concern all Americans.

REPULSIVE WINGNUT THAT VAGUELY RESEMBLES, BUT ISN'T, ANN COULTER
Well, I can see it concerning liberals like you who want the terrorists to win, but we should give the President all the tools he needs to combat terrorism.

ME
He has all the tools he needs, and might I add, had he utilized those tools a bit more effectively, like perhaps, paying attention to a memo entitled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside U.S.", America would be a safer place. Isn't it obvious that the reason they don't want warrants is that they're using their spying powers against political enemies?

REPULSIVE WINGNUT THAT VAGUELY RESEMBLES, BUT ISN'T, ANN COULTER
But why do you want the terrorists to win?

BEEFY, HALF-WIT MODERATOR THAT VAGUELY RESEMBLES, BUT ISN'T, TIM RUSSERT
That's a good point. Why DO you want the terrorists to win?

ME
You seem to have trouble hearing me. Maybe if I crack open your skulls with this metal meat tenderizering mallet the words will reach your brain.

*SMASH**CRACK**SMASH*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! CUCKOO! CUCKOO!
YA GOTTA CURE WHAT AILS YA! PAILS AND PAILS A NAILS A! WANNA WASH A WOMBAT!
A-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
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So my prediliction for incoherent and sputtering (albeit justifiable) rage probably means I should lay off the talk shows for now.

Although I do credit this personality quirk for my improbable friendship w/Bill O'Reilly.

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O'REILLY
IT'S LIBERALS LIKE YOU THAT WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY SPIDERMAN APPLESAUCE!

ME
WELL, IF YOU DIDN'T STEAL MY BOUNCY BANANAS I COULD EAT MY OATMEAL!

O'REILLY
Hmmm. OK, but how do you explain the fact THAT CANTALOUPES CAN'T ELOPE?!?

ME
I WANNA PLAY MONOPOLY!

O'REILLY
Sanitary napkins?

ME
SANITARY NAPKINS!

O'REILLY
Well, I'm afraid we're out of time. My guests have been liberal blogger Nevsky and Oklahoma Senator Dr. Tom Coburn. Always good to hear from you, Senator.

SENATOR COBURN (R)
WHERE'S MY SPIDERMAN APPLESAUCE?!? OOH, I FOUND CHOCOLATE PUDDING IN MY PANTS!

O'REILLY
Perhaps our panelists would enjoy singing the closing theme with yours truly and legendary pop-jazz vocal combo Manhattan Transfer. Let's do this!

ALL
SHIT MY PANTS AND DO A DANCE, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THAT NIGHT TRAIN TO CUCAMONGA!
A-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
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And if you'd like any transcripts of my recent appearances, catch five bouncy bananas, stick them in a jar of Spiderman applesauce and send it to Nevsky, c/o Oscar the Grouch's Trashcan, Cucamonga.