Kerry won. Deal with it.

I did watch the debates, ok, actually, I paced around my friends' house holding a baseball bat and listened to the debates while my wife and our friends sat down and watched it. Kerry won it, pure and simple. You can say he didn't knock Bush out, and you'd be right, you can say it wasn't that big a victory, and you'd be right, and with an especially articulate argument I might even be convinced it was a draw.

But if you think Bush won this one you're definitely biased, and probably a douchebag.

The bottom line is that Kerry stood up straight, gave strong answers, and appeared presidential. Bush spent a lot of his time hunched over giving stock responses, getting flustered and upset, and pounding his podium in order to compensate for his platitudes. Bush had the tougher job, to be fair, since he actually had to defend policies with which Americans may not have agreed, while Kerry just had to convince the audience he could do the job. He certainly did that tonight...

You wouldn't know it, though, if you watched CNN afterwards. I thought I was joking about Wolf Blitzer in my previous post, when apparently I was cutting him slack. Thank God we watched a little Chris Matthews or I would have thought the world had gone mad...

Should I just spare my blood pressure?

We've been invited to watch the debate w/friends, but I have a real fear the debate will go something like this...

Kerry: "...so in conclusion, my plan shows how we can stabilize Iraq, reduce deficits, and convert the corpse of Saddam Hussein into gasoline products freely available for all."
Moderator: "Rebuttal?"
Bush: "What, me? Sorry, wasn't listening to the flip-flopper. Say, this piece of earwax I just dug out looks like Kerry, don't you think?"
Wolf Blitzer: "Bush clearly won the debate, once again demonstrating his ability to communicate with the American people in this post 9/11 world..."
Me: (I'm not quite sure how the sound of my banging my head against the wall until blood spurts out of my ears while screaming should look in print, but I imagine it would be something like this.) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH *SMASH* *SMASH* *SMASH* SPURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I'll go if the snacks are good...

Life imitates art, or "pay that man his money"...

My nickname in our local poker circle is KGB. It's a cooler nickname than I deserve, and I'm named so for my Russian background and our love of the John Malkovich character in Rounders. Mr. Malkovich's scenery-chomping mad Russian Teddy KGB is the perfect foil to Matt Damon's...um...adorable blandness.

Anyway, in the climactic poker battle, Teddy KGB is foiled by Matt's straight, but the audience is let in on the fact that Matt has Teddy beat from the very beginning. What's supposed to impress us is the cool way Matt plays the hand in order to fool Teddy to bet all of his remaining chips. This is after Matt discovers that Teddy's giveaway is to lick the center out of his Oreo cookies. You'd think in an underground poker parlor, supposedly filled with the greatest players in NYC, a giveaway like that would be more readily noticed. "Gee, every time he has a flush he opens his parasol, pets his Pomeranian, and does the hokey-pokey!" But I digress...

In last night's poker tourney I found myself heads up with the exact same amount of chips as my opponent (3500). After a few hands, I was whittled down to about 3K with 100-200 blinds. In my fatal hand, I was dealt 4-8 offsuit in the big blind and stayed in when my opponent called. Flop comes down Q-K-J, check is good. Then a 4. Checked to me, I bet 500, get called. Last card is a 6. Opponent bets 500, I say all-in and I'm quickly called. Oh, he has A-9, I win...wait. A-10. He flopped the nuts and had me beat all the way, and then trapped me into betting all of my chips. And so, I'm subject to the same downfall as my namesake. The irony was almost worth settling for $20 in second place cash...

"Size of the entire universe man..."

My wife and I caught They Might Be Giants last weekend; it was the best show I've ever seen in Charlottesville (and that includes two Frank Black shows, Camper Van Beethoven, Marshall Crenshaw, and Matthew Sweet). But the real revelation that night was the opening act, Corn Mo. How to describe him? Appearance of Sam Kinison, between-song patter similar to Bobcat Goldthwait, voice like Meatloaf, but songwriter like no other, as he wailed homages to horny adolescence accompanying himself on accordion. This guy deserves to be a fucking star...

Shame on me...

I've been lax in my blogging duties; ten days without a post is simply crappy...

Although a post about how I haven't been posting isn't much better...

They're so low, they could play handball off a curb...

Republicans play to win, I'll give 'em that. Of course, they don't care if they destroy the country by voting in an incompetent fool who's totally unwilling and unable to protect us, but by golly, they play to win.

Look at this.

Go get 'im, Al!

I just received an e-mail from the Al Weed campaign informing us that the first week of television time has just been bought.

Thanks to sixthdoctor for contributing; as promised, I'm now your friend. Can I borrow your car and leave all of my old clothes in your basement?

Hey, no one said it was easy being my friend...

More about Dubya than I cared to know...

In college I read The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins, and there was a character in the book that solved every problem that vexed him by turning to a page in Robinson Crusoe, which invariably held the answer he was looking for.

Let's hope Dubya doesn't use the same method to solve his dilemmas:

New Yorker writer Brendan Gill recalls roaming the Kennebunkport compound one night while staying there looking for a book to read -- the only title he could find was "The Fart Book."

Ewww.

Score one for the corgis!

That's right, screw you, boxer. Up yours, pug. The welsh corgi is one of the 20 best breeds for families.

OK, so are the boxer and pug, but screw all the other breeds anyway.

It's about time the corgi got the recognition it deserved as a great breed for young kids to play with. As long as the corgi's innate urge to nip and jump is controlled...hmmm.

Actually, I wonder what methodology they used, and I wonder if it involved large kickback checks from the PWCAA...

No time for rest...

My wife and I had two canvassers for Al Weed come visit us today. My first thought was that perhaps this was preaching to the choir, since the street is lined with Kerry and Weed signs (we just got ours yesterday), but they stressed the importance of getting out the base, and most importantly, giving Weed cash. He's got a shot because of his appeal to the rural areas, but without TV ads he's sunk. I know the Kos Dozen has the lion's share of the attention, but Weed has been such an intelligent candidate and such a frickin' improvement over Virgil Goode (as the air is buffeted by thousands of Republicans nodding in agreement simultaneously) that it pains me to think he won't be able to break through the election gridlock of gerrymandered Congressional districts.

Al Weed is the congressman VA-5 deserves. Please click on the link above and give him a few bucks. I'll be your friend.

"I'm not arguing, HE'S being an asshole!"

You may find it hard to believe, but I do have Republican acquaintances and friends whom I generally respect. A few months ago, I even respected their political views; they were disappointed with Bush, saw the gap between Bush's performance and traditional Republican values (the bloated government, the bloated deficit, weak national security credentials and "orange alert" bullshit), and a couple actually considered voting for the Libertarian candidate (Motto: "There's creamed corn in my lederhosen! Bibble-bibble-bibble!")

But as the election approaches, most of them drank the Kool-Aid and they're becoming harder and harder to talk to. Finally, when one told me about how Kerry would put the U.S. armed forces under the control of the UN, I just said "You don't REALLY believe that bullshit, do you?" and walked away. I give up, and I respect you guys who actually still try to get through to some of these people. Galileo would frickin' say "You motherfuckers are obstinate in the face of facts, ain't ya?", and my blood pressure just can't take it anymore.

We're going to have to save these fools from themselves, and they'll kick us in the teeth for it...

UPDATE: OK, some people are still utilizing critical judgment...

(Bonus points for the subject line ref. I bet CmdrSue gets it...)

Score one for the puppies!

Who's a good boy?

More adventures w/the Next Blog button...

This isn't REALLY her, is it?

No, Laura, this is MY cocaine...

Apparently Kitty Kelley's new okay-some-of-it-is-probably-bullshit book about the Bushes claims that the First Lady might have experimented w/blow as well.

There's an easy way to nip this in the bud, guys, just have Dubya and Laura do an interview with Diane Sawyer in their living room and put a big bowl of cocaine on the coffee table. If they get through it without glancing towards the bowl or sweating, they obviously don't love snorting cocaine! They just USED to love it...

Is it safe?

Pretty much a test post to see if Blogger's unfucked itself...

But feel free to discuss the current cocaine-bloated president's incompetence in the comments section.

I want to assure all Americans that I will not rest until we have captured OsamWHOA NELLY! IS THAT COCAINE?? *SNNNNNNNORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT*

And since this link came from Drudge, we know it HAS to be true...

What's in the water in Iceland? (or, "They're not even good enough to try something like this!")

When I was a DJ in college, the CDs and albums used to have label stickers on which the more opinionated of us could leave comments about what was good, what was horrible, what tracks to play, etc. I've left my marks on those albums I considered worthwhile (and got called a dick for referring to the Charlatans UK as "Stone Roses soundalikes"), but the quote in the subject line came from someone leaving a mark on one of my favorite albums, Talk Talk's Spirit of Eden, the album where they chucked their New Romanticism completely and immediately killed their album sales (Laughing Stock was just as good)...

Although I disagreed with his sentiment, I completely understood the anger the critic felt. It's always fun to slag the obvious hacks, the Toby Keiths and Britney Spearseseseses, but we seem to reserve special bile for those we consider mediocre who attempt to release "statements". As far as I'm concerned, Tori Amos should put away that goddamn harpsichord forever, but I'd readily concede I just don't get it. Someone feel free to explain it to me...

Anyway, I've been enjoying reading the Amazon comments about the new Bjork album; personally, I think this album beats the merely pretty good Vespertine by about half a mile, but I understand the hatred, too. Thanks to my local record store's liberal "listen before you buy" policy, I also got () by Iceland's Sigur Ros, which seems to provoke the same "love or hate" responses. This album is making me its servant boy rather quickly with its gorgeous, caustic, life-affirming brilliance. I'd certainly buy an album on a one in five chance that it's the real deal, even if I get stuck with a Boys for Pele from time to time...

Heaven bless those who reach for the moon, even when they fall flat on their face. Too bad we can't all be Nigel Tufnels and clearly see that fine line between genius and stupidity...

"Finding Nemo", it wasn't...

My wife and I saw "Open Water" last night, and it was as nerve-wracking and sad as the critics have said...

Now, my wife is a certified scuba diver, I'm not. I doubt my status on that is going to change in the near future. Without giving too much away, my wife stated that the movie was pretty accurate except for the convoluted situation which causes the heroes to be stranded in the first place, which is reassuring.

Still, sometimes I wish she had a healthier hobby, like poker...

UPDATE: This article has a list of the inaccuracies in the movie (as well as spoilers), but as my wife pointed out, there's an inaccuracy in the article (it's not spoiling to say Susan removes her empty tank, unlike the claim in this article).

BUSH 2004: Vote for me or I'll drunkenly piss on your car

Since what occured with presidental candidates 30 years ago is all the rage now in the news, I offer to you this Salon article. You guys ARE worth the subscription, even though I get the goddamn US News and World Report because of you...