Make Custom Gifts at CafePress

25 August 2011

Can we please stop having earthquakes?

I slept through this one; my wife said "we just had another earthquake!" and I was like "you mean another aftershock?" and she was like "NO. An earthquake!"

And I can't wait for the next round of interminable mocking from the West Coast. "Ooooooh, that was what, a 4.5? We use THOSE earthquakes to get the salt off the top shelf in the pantry! When those hit, we stick our hands down our pants and let the earth serve as a natural vibrator!"

23 August 2011

Hope everyone's fine... was just a li'l rumble. In my office, people didn't start freaking out until after it was over.

21 August 2011

I call this piece "A Walk in the Woods"...

"Ah, isn't it great just to get out, away from it all?"
"As long as we're back in time for the game..."
"Oh, boy! Look at this, a buttercup! Who likes butter? Do youuuuuu? Do you like butter?"
"OK, OK, stop it, you're sticking it in my eye. Take it down a notch will you?"
"WOW! I didn't know this grew down here! It's banana-bamboo!"
"What the hell's that?"
"Here, I'll break off a piece. Now, let me just get my penknife. Notice how quickly the wood is formed into a razor-sharp point? And if you just poke..."
"Ha ha! You said, 'ow!' That means you like bananas!"
"No, that means you stabbed me through the leg, you fucking dick! And...holy shit, my leg's going numb! What the...what did you do? I'm...getting cold."
"Yeah, that's something, the wood has an oil that is also a natural neurotoxin, helps protect it against weevils. Isn't it great how nature does that? OH MY WORD, I don't believe it! Tickle-thistles! You know, if you take the flowers, grind them in a mortar and pestle and add just enough water to form a cement-like paste which you then use to plug somebody's mouth and nostrils, and they twitch, it means they're ticklish! Good thing I brought my mortar and pestle with me!"
"'re insane...must get away...too slow...numb...scared..."
"Come on, this is fun! Oh, stop squirming! Oh oh, I know who's ticklish now! Yep, it's certainly nice to just take a moment to reflect on some of Nature's most fantastic creations! OK, let's get back, the game's going to start soon...hey, why aren't you moving? C'mon, let's get going! Coochee coochee coo..."

18 August 2011

Double shocked, shocked, I tell you...

I didn't find anything really "surprising" about these findings at all beyond the framing of the headline. I mean, atheists are hated? What did they ever do to anybody?

But after reading this sentence:

"[Tea Party members] are overwhelmingly white, but even compared to other white Republicans, they had a low regard for immigrants and blacks long before Barack Obama was president, and they still do"...

All I could think was this:

11 August 2011

At the Downtown Mall for lunch? Say hi to our congressman!

That's right, Rep. Hurt is actually going to be out in public today, from 12 to 1:30.

And good for him for being there. Seriously. I mean, I don't think he's been anywhere near as good as his predecessor in terms of performance or constituent service, but I certainly won't fault him for presenting himself to his constituents. And I hope the people of Charlottesville come out to politely discuss their ideas with him...

09 August 2011

Thanks, Sarah!

It's been two days since I've written on this blog, so thanks for giving me subject matter by being stupid and annoying!

07 August 2011

It's even more cute that some people think the truth matters... the New York Times here. Of course, in the real world their proposed compromise would make a lot of sense (let the middle class tax break continue until the end of 2013, let the upper bracket cuts expire now). But we know that there is no way in holy hell the Repubs are going to strike any sort of deal and will be more than happy to put the onus on Obama to let the whole thing expire.

Which is, of course, exactly what he should do. But as long as one side is more than happy to threaten the country with an economic meltdown, like it or not, they're always going to have Obama over a barrel. I hope the manic progressives realize that the reason we're having these problems isn't because Obama hasn't been eating his Wheaties, it's because THE TEA PARTY IS FUCKING INSANE.

04 August 2011

Awwww, the Tea Party's so cute when it's trying not to sound idiotic.

This unbalanced article has some more of the usual idiocies from Hurt and no real information about how the job situation in our district is being completely ignored by him, so I'm just going to skip to the bottom of the article where the Tea Party tries to pretend they matter:

Danville Tea Party Chairman Darriel Burnett said he did not like an increase to the debt ceiling.

...But now that the debt limit has been raised he hopes that other leaders in Congress push toward decreased spending, otherwise the group will throw its support elsewhere.

“If they think the Tea Party is upset now,” said Burnett. “Just wait.”

Just so you know, you're never going to beat Hurt with a challenge from the right. Ever. I think even Hurt knows that.

02 August 2011

Because they'll never ever do it, not until the next time...

Well, the manufactured crisis has been averted, yay. And before the manic progressives get in a tizzy, the choices were a shitty settlement or total economic meltdown. Left with that, I'm glad we went with the former. But Barry O.'s always going to be over a barrel when one side's ready to blow everything up. If you got a problem with that, well, you should have voted last year.

This DOES leave me wondering, however, how is the Tea Party going to react to our own congressdoofus, Robert Hurt, voting yes on the debt bill? Will they hiss, and rage, and scream and cry because they wanted to eat their Sam's Club Dehydrated Rations in their survivalist bunkers? Will we have the opportunity to taste their sweet, sweet tears? Or will they show themselves to be the useful idiots Hurt obviously thinks they are?

C'mon, guys, what're you going to do? Make those signs! Sputter incoherently on street corners! Wear those goofy costumes!