*snif* Here's hoping you've received your major award...
Sadly, Darren McGavin, the definite Kolchak and the father from A Christmas Story, passed away yesterday. I salute you with your battle cry...
24 February 2006
21 February 2006
Say hi to Queen Starsha for me...
I'm glad someone's thinking about important shit, like which stars are the best possible candidates to sustain life. The top star is only 26 light-years away. 26. That's babyshit. If the Argo can travel 148,000 light-years and back in just one earth year, we should be able to get shuttle voyages going around, oh, 2066.
The article does state, however, that a scheduled launch of a scanning satellite has been delayed due to funding cuts. Must we start a letter-writing campaign to President Bush about the importance of locating a Cosmo-DNA machine in case we're attacked by the Gamilons? You'd think this is exactly the sort of thing he'd worry about, frickin' GAMILON PLANET BOMBS! THESE ARE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, YA NIMROD!!
I'm glad someone's thinking about important shit, like which stars are the best possible candidates to sustain life. The top star is only 26 light-years away. 26. That's babyshit. If the Argo can travel 148,000 light-years and back in just one earth year, we should be able to get shuttle voyages going around, oh, 2066.
The article does state, however, that a scheduled launch of a scanning satellite has been delayed due to funding cuts. Must we start a letter-writing campaign to President Bush about the importance of locating a Cosmo-DNA machine in case we're attacked by the Gamilons? You'd think this is exactly the sort of thing he'd worry about, frickin' GAMILON PLANET BOMBS! THESE ARE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, YA NIMROD!!
12 February 2006
Hey, Virginia Republicans! It's yer old buddy Nev!
And I thought I'd drop you a line. You might like to read it when you come back from wherever you pretend to go when you say you're going to church...
Aw, you're right, I'm being mean. Maybe I've still yet to reconcile that my center-left views here in VA may just as well mean I'm carrying a copy of Mao's Red Book and dressing up in Village People outfits. (Well, I do have a biker outfit at home, but...HEY WHAT'S WITH THE THIRD DEGREE?)
But I digress. I want to reach out to the Repubs because they've shown the ability to reject the nutballs and lightweights that unfortunately make up the bulk of the party today. Ever since Hurricane Gilmore hit the state, you guys seem to have a more open mind. Everyone in VA appreciates you decided to give Jerry Kilgore a pass, because, come on, the man had no ideas for running the state.
So in the spirit of open-mindedness, let's talk about George Allen.
First of all, is it in the best interests of the state to reelect a Senator who clearly has presidential aspirations? Secondly, again, come on. We can argue whether his reputation for idiocy is well-deserved or not, but would you want a President whose Social Security plan seems to be that the elderly can sell their homes? You're going to entrust our national security to a man who doesn't even know what's going on with the president's nominees? Hey, I understand, he's incredibly popular, a former governor who enjoyed economic success during the Clinton years (although to be fair, who didn't?), local football hero, but this is a guy who should be running a chain of used car dealerships, not a sitting US Senator. And aren't you tired of political monarchies, as shadow children of great(er) men get positions of power for which they're honestly not qualified?
Fortunately, you now have an alternative. His name is James Webb. If it's any consolation, it'll make me cringe a little to vote for a Reaganite, because, hey, I'm a partisan guy. I don't expect you guys to be any happier voting for him because he's Democratic now. But looking at his credentials and his military experience, I think we can all agree that he's more qualified to hold office in a post 9-11 world.
And let's not overlook the coolness factor. What does Allen have to offer besides that spindly Ashley-Wilkes-esque Southern (in)breeding that still passes for charm down here? Webb worked on a Samuel L. Jackson movie. No, really. Only about 10-20,000 thousand people in America can say that. And hopefully, given recent history, my treatment for "BADGERS ON A BOAT, MOTHERFUCKER!" will be given consideration, but I digress again.
So take a look at the website. A good chunk of you have been known to stray from party lines when faced with a superior choice. Hope you decide to do so again for the sake of our country.
And I thought I'd drop you a line. You might like to read it when you come back from wherever you pretend to go when you say you're going to church...
Aw, you're right, I'm being mean. Maybe I've still yet to reconcile that my center-left views here in VA may just as well mean I'm carrying a copy of Mao's Red Book and dressing up in Village People outfits. (Well, I do have a biker outfit at home, but...HEY WHAT'S WITH THE THIRD DEGREE?)
But I digress. I want to reach out to the Repubs because they've shown the ability to reject the nutballs and lightweights that unfortunately make up the bulk of the party today. Ever since Hurricane Gilmore hit the state, you guys seem to have a more open mind. Everyone in VA appreciates you decided to give Jerry Kilgore a pass, because, come on, the man had no ideas for running the state.
So in the spirit of open-mindedness, let's talk about George Allen.
First of all, is it in the best interests of the state to reelect a Senator who clearly has presidential aspirations? Secondly, again, come on. We can argue whether his reputation for idiocy is well-deserved or not, but would you want a President whose Social Security plan seems to be that the elderly can sell their homes? You're going to entrust our national security to a man who doesn't even know what's going on with the president's nominees? Hey, I understand, he's incredibly popular, a former governor who enjoyed economic success during the Clinton years (although to be fair, who didn't?), local football hero, but this is a guy who should be running a chain of used car dealerships, not a sitting US Senator. And aren't you tired of political monarchies, as shadow children of great(er) men get positions of power for which they're honestly not qualified?
Fortunately, you now have an alternative. His name is James Webb. If it's any consolation, it'll make me cringe a little to vote for a Reaganite, because, hey, I'm a partisan guy. I don't expect you guys to be any happier voting for him because he's Democratic now. But looking at his credentials and his military experience, I think we can all agree that he's more qualified to hold office in a post 9-11 world.
And let's not overlook the coolness factor. What does Allen have to offer besides that spindly Ashley-Wilkes-esque Southern (in)breeding that still passes for charm down here? Webb worked on a Samuel L. Jackson movie. No, really. Only about 10-20,000 thousand people in America can say that. And hopefully, given recent history, my treatment for "BADGERS ON A BOAT, MOTHERFUCKER!" will be given consideration, but I digress again.
So take a look at the website. A good chunk of you have been known to stray from party lines when faced with a superior choice. Hope you decide to do so again for the sake of our country.
11 February 2006
07 February 2006
If the last post didn't prove I need help...
This commercial made me tear up the likes of which haven't been seen since that IAMS commercial (and I know you know what I'm talking about).
It also gave me an unnatural urge to drink pisswater beer...
This commercial made me tear up the likes of which haven't been seen since that IAMS commercial (and I know you know what I'm talking about).
It also gave me an unnatural urge to drink pisswater beer...
04 February 2006
Why I'm not a good guest on political chat shows...
People, both real and imagined, having found me to be a rather passionate character, have wondered why I don't strive to become a more public figure. Well, as much as a part of me would like to be out on the public airwaves, the fact of the matter is that I do not possess that Howard-Dean-like Zen that would allow me to refute utter bullshit calmly and effectively. Furthermore, I get really angry when I attempt to engage in a debate, only to be met with stone-faced resistance and the ceaseless parroting of right-wing propaganda, without any admission of even listening to what I had just said. This invariably leads to my losing control, allowing them to use me to promote the inaccurate stereotype of the quote-unquote "angry liberal".
For example, here's an excerpt from the 37th most popular chat show in our state, "Someone's In The Kitchen With Virginia," where we're discussing the effort to place anti-gay marriage language in the state constitution:
_____
ME
I would like to point out to my colleague that gay marriage is already illegal in this state, and while this poorly-worded statute wouldn't further so-called protection against gay marriage, it could, in fact, lead to courts swamped with lawsuits challenging any partnership considered to be non-traditional.
RIGHT-WING BLOGGER
We need this legislation in order to protect the sanctity of marriage against homosexuals.
ME
Even though I disagree, that's not the issue. It. Is. Already. Illegal. As a so-called fiscal conservative, you should be upset the state house is wasting taxpayers' time and money with this referendum. As a so-called limited-government conservative, you should be upset that they want to so brazenly rewrite the state constitution. Or are you just cynically hoping this will be yet another successful distraction from the corruption and incompetence of the state GOP?
RIGHT-WING BLOGGER
We need this legislation in order to protect the sanctity of marriage against homosexuals.
ME
I see. Allow me to rebut by smacking my colleague upside the head with this oar.
*SMASH**SMASH*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! CUCKOO! CUCKOO! BIBBLE-BIBBLE-OATBRAN! I WANTS ME SOME MASHED POTATOES! AND GRAVY AIN'T WAVY!
A-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
_____
Not my finest hour, I admit. And it didn't get any better when I was asked to appear on the nationally televised "Shoot the Shit"...
_____
ME
The fact of the matter is that the president and his administration can conduct spying operations on anyone he chooses, as long as he gets a retroactive warrant. The fact that he doesn't do so should concern all Americans.
REPULSIVE WINGNUT THAT VAGUELY RESEMBLES, BUT ISN'T, ANN COULTER
Well, I can see it concerning liberals like you who want the terrorists to win, but we should give the President all the tools he needs to combat terrorism.
ME
He has all the tools he needs, and might I add, had he utilized those tools a bit more effectively, like perhaps, paying attention to a memo entitled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside U.S.", America would be a safer place. Isn't it obvious that the reason they don't want warrants is that they're using their spying powers against political enemies?
REPULSIVE WINGNUT THAT VAGUELY RESEMBLES, BUT ISN'T, ANN COULTER
But why do you want the terrorists to win?
BEEFY, HALF-WIT MODERATOR THAT VAGUELY RESEMBLES, BUT ISN'T, TIM RUSSERT
That's a good point. Why DO you want the terrorists to win?
ME
You seem to have trouble hearing me. Maybe if I crack open your skulls with this metal meat tenderizering mallet the words will reach your brain.
*SMASH**CRACK**SMASH*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! CUCKOO! CUCKOO!
YA GOTTA CURE WHAT AILS YA! PAILS AND PAILS A NAILS A! WANNA WASH A WOMBAT!
A-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
_____
So my prediliction for incoherent and sputtering (albeit justifiable) rage probably means I should lay off the talk shows for now.
Although I do credit this personality quirk for my improbable friendship w/Bill O'Reilly.
_____
O'REILLY
IT'S LIBERALS LIKE YOU THAT WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY SPIDERMAN APPLESAUCE!
ME
WELL, IF YOU DIDN'T STEAL MY BOUNCY BANANAS I COULD EAT MY OATMEAL!
O'REILLY
Hmmm. OK, but how do you explain the fact THAT CANTALOUPES CAN'T ELOPE?!?
ME
I WANNA PLAY MONOPOLY!
O'REILLY
Sanitary napkins?
ME
SANITARY NAPKINS!
O'REILLY
Well, I'm afraid we're out of time. My guests have been liberal blogger Nevsky and Oklahoma Senator Dr. Tom Coburn. Always good to hear from you, Senator.
SENATOR COBURN (R)
WHERE'S MY SPIDERMAN APPLESAUCE?!? OOH, I FOUND CHOCOLATE PUDDING IN MY PANTS!
O'REILLY
Perhaps our panelists would enjoy singing the closing theme with yours truly and legendary pop-jazz vocal combo Manhattan Transfer. Let's do this!
ALL
SHIT MY PANTS AND DO A DANCE, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THAT NIGHT TRAIN TO CUCAMONGA!
A-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
_____
And if you'd like any transcripts of my recent appearances, catch five bouncy bananas, stick them in a jar of Spiderman applesauce and send it to Nevsky, c/o Oscar the Grouch's Trashcan, Cucamonga.
People, both real and imagined, having found me to be a rather passionate character, have wondered why I don't strive to become a more public figure. Well, as much as a part of me would like to be out on the public airwaves, the fact of the matter is that I do not possess that Howard-Dean-like Zen that would allow me to refute utter bullshit calmly and effectively. Furthermore, I get really angry when I attempt to engage in a debate, only to be met with stone-faced resistance and the ceaseless parroting of right-wing propaganda, without any admission of even listening to what I had just said. This invariably leads to my losing control, allowing them to use me to promote the inaccurate stereotype of the quote-unquote "angry liberal".
For example, here's an excerpt from the 37th most popular chat show in our state, "Someone's In The Kitchen With Virginia," where we're discussing the effort to place anti-gay marriage language in the state constitution:
_____
ME
I would like to point out to my colleague that gay marriage is already illegal in this state, and while this poorly-worded statute wouldn't further so-called protection against gay marriage, it could, in fact, lead to courts swamped with lawsuits challenging any partnership considered to be non-traditional.
RIGHT-WING BLOGGER
We need this legislation in order to protect the sanctity of marriage against homosexuals.
ME
Even though I disagree, that's not the issue. It. Is. Already. Illegal. As a so-called fiscal conservative, you should be upset the state house is wasting taxpayers' time and money with this referendum. As a so-called limited-government conservative, you should be upset that they want to so brazenly rewrite the state constitution. Or are you just cynically hoping this will be yet another successful distraction from the corruption and incompetence of the state GOP?
RIGHT-WING BLOGGER
We need this legislation in order to protect the sanctity of marriage against homosexuals.
ME
I see. Allow me to rebut by smacking my colleague upside the head with this oar.
*SMASH**SMASH*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! CUCKOO! CUCKOO! BIBBLE-BIBBLE-OATBRAN! I WANTS ME SOME MASHED POTATOES! AND GRAVY AIN'T WAVY!
A-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
_____
Not my finest hour, I admit. And it didn't get any better when I was asked to appear on the nationally televised "Shoot the Shit"...
_____
ME
The fact of the matter is that the president and his administration can conduct spying operations on anyone he chooses, as long as he gets a retroactive warrant. The fact that he doesn't do so should concern all Americans.
REPULSIVE WINGNUT THAT VAGUELY RESEMBLES, BUT ISN'T, ANN COULTER
Well, I can see it concerning liberals like you who want the terrorists to win, but we should give the President all the tools he needs to combat terrorism.
ME
He has all the tools he needs, and might I add, had he utilized those tools a bit more effectively, like perhaps, paying attention to a memo entitled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside U.S.", America would be a safer place. Isn't it obvious that the reason they don't want warrants is that they're using their spying powers against political enemies?
REPULSIVE WINGNUT THAT VAGUELY RESEMBLES, BUT ISN'T, ANN COULTER
But why do you want the terrorists to win?
BEEFY, HALF-WIT MODERATOR THAT VAGUELY RESEMBLES, BUT ISN'T, TIM RUSSERT
That's a good point. Why DO you want the terrorists to win?
ME
You seem to have trouble hearing me. Maybe if I crack open your skulls with this metal meat tenderizering mallet the words will reach your brain.
*SMASH**CRACK**SMASH*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! CUCKOO! CUCKOO!
YA GOTTA CURE WHAT AILS YA! PAILS AND PAILS A NAILS A! WANNA WASH A WOMBAT!
A-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
_____
So my prediliction for incoherent and sputtering (albeit justifiable) rage probably means I should lay off the talk shows for now.
Although I do credit this personality quirk for my improbable friendship w/Bill O'Reilly.
_____
O'REILLY
IT'S LIBERALS LIKE YOU THAT WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY SPIDERMAN APPLESAUCE!
ME
WELL, IF YOU DIDN'T STEAL MY BOUNCY BANANAS I COULD EAT MY OATMEAL!
O'REILLY
Hmmm. OK, but how do you explain the fact THAT CANTALOUPES CAN'T ELOPE?!?
ME
I WANNA PLAY MONOPOLY!
O'REILLY
Sanitary napkins?
ME
SANITARY NAPKINS!
O'REILLY
Well, I'm afraid we're out of time. My guests have been liberal blogger Nevsky and Oklahoma Senator Dr. Tom Coburn. Always good to hear from you, Senator.
SENATOR COBURN (R)
WHERE'S MY SPIDERMAN APPLESAUCE?!? OOH, I FOUND CHOCOLATE PUDDING IN MY PANTS!
O'REILLY
Perhaps our panelists would enjoy singing the closing theme with yours truly and legendary pop-jazz vocal combo Manhattan Transfer. Let's do this!
ALL
SHIT MY PANTS AND DO A DANCE, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THAT NIGHT TRAIN TO CUCAMONGA!
A-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGA-BOINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
_____
And if you'd like any transcripts of my recent appearances, catch five bouncy bananas, stick them in a jar of Spiderman applesauce and send it to Nevsky, c/o Oscar the Grouch's Trashcan, Cucamonga.
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