Since I know you're slow when it comes to national emergencies, Georgie boy, take my advice. Send National Guard troops to Las Vegas by next week.

Because if these people are seriously sending a chimpanzee to play in the World Series of Poker main event, you're going to have a riot on your hands.

This has to be bullshit. Even if the handler is allowed to accompany Mike (which I'd seriously doubt), on the video the chimp commits three infractions that would get his hand mucked in an honest-to-goodness tournament. I also doubt competing players would be as tolerant of Mike's touchy-feely antics as the GMA hosts are.

Even if the chimp somehow kept up protocol, the slow play is going to annoy people for sure. Now if Phil Hellmuth draws the chimp's table, ESPN will be able to make enough money off DVD sales to fund Disney for the next century and cure world hunger, but as much fun as that may be, I have to officially protest against this stunt, as I would against any stunt that may potentially denigrate and harm ignorant beasts who have no clue to what's going on in the world around them.

I also think it may be harmful to the chimp as well. Thank you very much, tip your waitress!